On Facebook…and the need for “Likes”

So, so, so this the second part of my crazy rant last week (and maybe you can tell from my tone that I’m somehow feeling better now), but there are a few points I left and basically it all leads to this…

I kind of don’t want to be active on Facebook anymore because of the whole “I live for likes” thing. See, our society now is so obsessed with likes—and I guess, I feel guilty about it, too. And it also got to the point where it got so toxic because of the whole brouhaha about the elections and it was too much. Just too much.

Now, back to the “likes” and the NEED for them. Seriously, it’s toxic. And I know because even subconsciously, I fed on that for a while. When you post something, it’s like, let’s see who likes this, etc. Sure, you want to say your opinion, but come on, look at your feed. Check what’s going on. Check what people around you have been saying. It’s like…even simple things could be turned into a big deal simply because people want to state their long opinions every.single.time and it gets so nauseating and you feel compelled to compete, especially when you’re such an overachiever eager beaver (yeah, yeah, yeah me) and then one day, you’d just get to the point where in you’d feel…wait a minute. Why do I care so much? Do I really care this much?

It’s just that…you shouldn’t let yourself be defined by “likes”. And this is what I’m trying to wrap my head around again.

There were also moments in the past when I felt like…HUH. I had a much better post than this person and this person is getting way more likes, etc. I guess we’re all guilty of this, but then you get to realize that society feeds on popularity. It’s a bandwagoning thing. Like, (why am I using like so many times? I sound like a Kardashian lmao) because this person is supposed to be “beautiful”, or “popular”, it automatically means that this person’s posts would be liked right away. And that kind of thought eats at you, especially when you’re going through other things, and you begin to nitpick every single thing you believe is wrong with your life. And it is super unhealthy.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I’m giving up on social media altogether—helloooo, I can’t do that lol. Twitter’s home (and it’s where I met some of the bestest people ever especially Twitter friends circa 2010!!!!), and I still enjoy Instagram but Facebook…ugh. Every time I open it, this surge of anxiety just goes through me. I gave up Tumblr months ago when it also became toxic (although it was my home for years), but it was just too much and it was becoming so mainstream (!!!!) and it just does not work for me anymore the way it used to. Anyway, what I’m saying is that it’s okay to cut some things out of your life. It’s okay not to “compete”. It’s okay to take some time off from Facebook (try it!) and not care so much and just be in a place where you feel okay—where you feel like you can try to find yourself again, and become a better, hopefully stronger version of you. It’s okay to like what you like and not say your opinion just because everyone else is giving theirs. It’s okay to think on your own, and give proper opinions instead of comment on anything and everything just so you’d be “sikat” or so you’d sound so intelligent. But it’s also okay to voice your opinions out. To each his own.

And also…I seriously don’t want to deal with fake people anymore (not all, but there are a couple and it’s just not worth it to give your time and effort for people who don’t care)

I guess I’m just tired of it at the moment but I’d probably get back some other time, but it’s also quite refreshing to be away from it for a while—it’s the closest thing you can get in place of a vacation!

And also…there’s more to life than caring for events that don’t really make you feel good anymore. There is a time to rest, even from your passions—you still have them inside you, after all, and you can always dream new dreams, and you can get back to them when you feel like you’re ready. Not when you’re tired and tired and tired. Work on your own pace, this is what I keep reminding myself now.

And another also…yesterday, I was really devastated to hear about the death of Christina Grimmie. She was just so young—so young, so eager to live, so full of life…she had so much to give. And it’s just sad it was just taken away from her too soon. You just never know what’s going to happen anymore so just live life the best way you could, the way you know how, but don’t hurt or kill others in the process.

Life is so unpredictable these days, so you better chuck the negativity out (I mean, of course, I’d get mad every now and then, and I still have all my issues, but you know…) and just try to find yourself again. I’m on the process.

There are already so many evil people in the world—don’t be one to yourself. Share your story. Help yourself heal.

There’s this song that I often listen to these days—and it’s so beautiful, and it’s called Showing Up by Alex G. Here’s a link, and the lyrics are below…

I used to be so mean to myself

I am my own worst enemy

I used to hide my truth

From you

I can’t remember what it feels like

To come out of hiding

I-I-I-I’m ready

 

Coming out of the shadows like I’m enough

Loving every bit of the real I got

Every inch of my messy is beautiful

Something truly courageous in showing up

Singing

I-I-I-I’m showing up

 

I’ve never measured up

To my rules

My little, careful calculations

They shattered at the sight

Of my roof

That every thought could be loved by

You-ou-ou-ou

I’m not afraid now

I-I-I-I’m…

 

Coming out of the shadows like I’m enough

Loving every bit of the real I got

Every inch of my messy is beautiful

Something truly courageous in showing up

Singing

I-I-I-I’m showing up

 

No more believing I’m gonna need a little more than I got

Done over thinking every reason I gotta sit and watch

[x3]

 

Coming out of the shadows like I’m enough

Loving every bit of the real I got

Every inch of my messy is beautiful

Something truly courageous in showing up

Singing

Oo-oo-oo-oo I’m ready

I-I-I-I’m showing up

That’s all for now. Be back soon with more personal posts! Xx

 

On Fake People, Things I Hate, and Why I’m Not Around

Have you ever gotten to the point where you felt like almost everything and everyone around you is fake? Like, you just woke up one morning and you felt so overwhelmed about everything that you had to stand back a bit?

Well, that’s what’s been happening to me lately.

If you’ve been reading this blog, or have been talking to me deeply, you would know that my depression isn’t a secret. Well, recently it has been really, really, really bad.

Let’s see…Well, this started 2 Mondays ago when I felt like…oops. Wow. Are these really the people in my life now? How did I get to the point where I thought that the friends I have now are actually “real”, when well…it doesn’t really seem like they are. Even if you’re actually just being there for them. I didn’t like the thought that these people felt like I was wasting their time and space because uhm, hello, look at our chat history, people. Look at our history, period. There, I said it.

I’ve also gotten to that point in my life when I feel like…everything’s happening so fast, and yet it’s all too slow…you know what I’m saying? Don’t worry if you’re confused. I confuse myself a lot, too. But, anyway…let’s just say that when you’re in your late 20s and you feel like “nothing is happening in your life”, well…it sucks. And it sucks bad.

Normally, it does not affect me, but I guess there really are moments in life when you feel like you have no idea what you’re waiting for anymore. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s about your career, your relationships, whatever. It’s hard when you get to that point, but then when you look back and think about the alternative…it’s like, you have no idea where you’re going to go, and you certainly don’t want to go back. So, what would you do, right?

And then I suffered two losses in the past two weeks. You know when people say they’re tired because school is tiring, work is tiring, etc? Well, I’m tired because of all these losses and mishaps. And believe me, these things become normal to you when you’re used to them, but there also comes a time when you just get so tired. So, so, so tired.

I’ve been wanting to write this for a while, but the thing about me is whenever I get these overwhelming moments, I really get overwhelmed. And I’ve no idea how to write it all down anymore.

So, maybe this’ll be too negative, but maybe, that’s the only way for me to let it go.

I hate the fact that I lost one of my dogs. And I can’t talk about it because it kills me.

I hate the fact that I lost my tablet (I know it’s shallow, but…)

I hate the fact that no one seems to read what I write. I don’t even want to write fiction anymore. I have all these ideas in my head, and I still get requests from former fanfic readers from time to time, but you know…generally, when I put out all those books last year, I just felt like I never really got the support I needed. And wanted (because seriously, who does not want support?). And it sucks when you see people who don’t work hard as much as you do get all the support—even when their works are just mediocre. It’s hard when you don’t get the chance you know you deserve. It hurts when you actually get that chance but it doesn’t make you feel like anything because no one is around to support you. I don’t even want to read this stupid book (a compilation I’m part of) that arrived in my door because it pains me. And believe me, I know how unfair life is, and I know this sounds like I’m such a brat but I never talk about this so whatever. I hate it when answers take months and years to come. I can wait, but how long is too long? And how much is too much?

I hate it when I feel like work is being monotonous. I hate feeling like I’m not good enough, or I’m not getting enough, or whatever.

I hate not having real friends, maybe because I’ve mostly pushed people away, but what can I do? I really can’t stand people who have disappointed me or hurt me. I seriously have none of that plasticity or whatever you call that thing where you still talk to people you hate or have done you wrong even when you do not like them at all. When you’re cut off, you’re cut off. Done and done. Last week, when I was asking for help, only two people went out of their way to reach out—Jehan and Bea. And if you’re reading this, thank you girls. See, it’s like out of the sea of people in your life, you don’t really have anyone. And that sucks.

But anyway, I chanced upon my Facebook a couple of days ago. I deactivated it so I don’t know why it’s working, and still not using it the way I used to because it seriously gives me the creeps now. And well, I saw messages from some friends, specifically Nina and Alyssa. Sorry for not replying. Sorry for not being strong enough to come back yet. But I appreciate it. I really do.

I hate waiting for that ring on my finger. I don’t know, I don’t even want to deal with people on my wedding day if that’s going to happen, but maybe I just like the idea of “getting married” even if I’m actually in a stable relationship because when you see people around you getting married, it sucks, and yeah I’m still that romantic girl deep down even though I buried her in so much control now. (Uhm, it’s the time of the month so maybe screw this? But maybe no, because it’s real)

I hate friends who say “I’m a busy mom, how are you?” UHM, like I care? I still don’t want kids, nope. And I’m good with my cats and dogs, thank you.

I hate missing my family but when I look back on all the years of abuse—abuse that most of them deny because yeah, my brothers never really felt that—it sucks. It sucks. It sucks. I hate missing them. I hate wanting to check on them or wanting to visit because I know nothing has changed and it will just break my heart if I do. But of course, no matter how screwed up your family is, you’d still miss them, even just a bit. Just imagine not having anyone to come back to. It sucks.

I hate still having these fits of depression and anxiety and the feeling that you want to hurt yourself (sadly, I have relapsed and am doing so at times). I hate going back to that 9 year old girl who hurt herself because no one is around for her.

I hate not having a proper home. I won’t elaborate but yeah.

I hate feeling like I have no proper “roots” because at times, I still think about how it would be like to meet my real dad even though the times I tried to find him, I just got severely disappointed.

I hate not being enough.

I hate the stupid arguments, and not being understood.

Again, I hate not being enough.

Or maybe, I hate being too much.

Maybe, I should talk about these things more, little by little.

Maybe, I’d have clarity then. Maybe, not.

It’s just a cycle.

 

So, I don’t really know what I’m talking about anymore, but this felt somewhat cathartic. Maybe I’ll be fine. Maybe, I won’t. I’d always pull through, anyway.

Right now, I’m just tired.

 

 

 

 

 

Too Much to Ask

When you were old enough to understand the harsh realities of life, you realized that losses were inevitable. You can love someone or something and in an instant, they could be taken away from you.

Then you grow up, grow old, and the losses just keep on happening. They keep on happening that you begin to question what is it that you did wrong. You question why the universe is keen on taking what you love away from you, when you know you have taken care of them with all your heart, and that you did everything you can to keep them safe; protected.

There comes a point when you have already cried too many tears for all your losses that when another one happens, you tend to lose the ability to cry—but you do not lose the ability to hurt. You hurt so bad that you just want the world to stop. You hurt so bad that you try to replay the situation in your head to justify it; try to see how is that that within seconds, you could lose something you love when things seemed normal; fine; going well.

You want the pain to stop but you have no idea how.

You want to keep on hoping that this won’t happen again, but you’re scared now.

 

Maybe, there really comes a time when you don’t want losses to happen anymore—even though that seems impossible.

But is it too much to ask the world to just be sane for you, even for a while? For the heartbreaks to stop? For the hurt not to linger?

Is it too much?

 

 

“Sometimes I think the human heart is just a simple shelf. There is only so much you can pile onto it before something falls off an edge and you are left to pick up the pieces.”
― Jodi Picoult, House Rules

Four

1

For four years I’ve wondered what it would be like to share my life with someone again. There were many mishaps; many misshapen turns. I. I have crashed and burned so many times. I have fallen hard, and realized that skinned knees were better than broken hearts; that love doesn’t come easy; that just because you think you feel something does not mean the other person feels it, too.

I was deadest on spending the rest of my life alone. I was fine with it. I was tired. To be honest, I did not think much of you before—then you came crashing back into my life, and changed it in more ways than one. From Clementine erasing Joel from her mind, Elvis and Anabelle saving each other, to reading that shady, crazy book—we shared the most profound memories; we laughed, had adventures, started something—whatever it was. Because really, it didn’t have a name for a while. But that didn’t matter.

You often told me how much you loved me. You wrote poems and musings that no one ever did for me, and it scared me. It scared me because I knew that if I gave my heart away, I would give all of it.

But isn’t that what love’s supposed to be about? Or so they say.

For years, I thought life was just going to be the way it was—mornings spent alone, watching endless movies and television shows, going to bed late, late at night with no hand to hold.

I was filled with lies, and I consumed them. I lived in them. I became a huge walking lie until one day, we both decided it had to end. It was not easy, but it was our choice.

It was far, far from my fairytale. But it was our story. And I liked it that way.

2

We had fun—and that would be an understatement.

Late nights in the city, the rain on our faces, our bodies drenched but our hearts happy. Days walking in the park, under the trees, under the stars. All those dreams we shared. All the memories we made.

I was so used to being alone, but then I realized there’s warmth that stuffed bears and bunnies wouldn’t give. There’s a certain kind of happiness that comes from laying next to the one you love, even when you just hold hands and listen to your own breaths; the kind that makes you want to stay in bed. The kind that makes you realize what home is.

They say that when love is good, it is magic. And it’s true: days become better, nights no longer feel lonely. You have someone who’s your other half, not because both of you are broken, but because you’re whole enough to share your life with someone else. And that in itself is magical—more than any other magic can bring.

We built our own furry family, we tried to enjoy life with whatever we had.

We were living our life, and we thought that was enough.

3

There comes a time in relationships when you begin to question things. You wonder who started it all; you wonder if it matters; you wonder if this is what it’s supposed to be. It happens. It cannot be helped.

I was used to being alone, so I had to struggle being surrounded by people all the time. At times you think I didn’t try. But I did. But like most of the things in my life, it just wouldn’t fit. But you did, no matter how different we are—and would always be. Some things just would not change.

From all our happy days stemmed days when fights and arguments became prevalent. When tears do not seem enough to convey the pain; when shouts and screams don’t seem enough to end the noise inside.

There are days when I know we’re both confused. Is it possible that you still love each other when there are days that you just want to end it? Or is it just in your head?

They say that love is not always enough. And it’s true.

Love isn’t always enough to cover certain things that hurt. Love is not always enough to let each day pass by.

But then again…do you really wish for the alternative?

4

Four years tomorrow. Four years now.

Sometimes, you do not even feel the years anymore.

Nothing is perfect, of this I am sure.

Sometimes, I would sit and wonder exactly when things have changed, because I know I have. And you have, too. It makes me wonder about that first year, when we were both so positive; when no matter how I’ve seen the harsh realities of life, my idealism was still there.

You often tell me that you miss that person; the person I used to be.

What I don’t tell you is that I miss the part of the person you were, too. What I don’t tell you is that I miss the person I’ve been, too. I don’t know where she went, but I believe she’s still there.

I miss who we’ve been.

Because relationships are one thing—but love is another.

 

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, they say. So take my hand. Let’s not fail.

 

 

Empty

Every day is a wheel of prevailing emotions; emotions that you couldn’t show to the world; emotions that you’ve learned long enough to hide that already became natural to you.

You work yourself to death and ask yourself why. You begin to wonder about the state of your life. You begin to think that you need change—but you don’t know exactly what you need.

You feel like there are not enough words being said; you no longer feel good about anything.

And then you hear the words you need—but they don’t make you feel like anything.

Maybe, they do, but you cannot hear them clearly.

You could not see them clearly.

Because you’re empty.

6 Years Ago…

You know what this week means? Well, this week is actually 6 years (if I remember correctly, I mean, if it isn’t this week, it’s the next ha-ha) since I graduated from college UGH I AM OLD. No, seriously, though…sometimes, you just get these bursts of memories and you tend to reflect on how much you have changed since then.

I’m not going to lie: back then, I thought I knew everything already. I thought it was going to be easy—or at least, easier than I thought. If you knew me back then, you’d say I actually have it all figured out. My yearbook even says that I’m going to be the next Pia Guanio (I know, I know)! I kind of was excited for what life could bring. I thought I’d easily be okay.

Here’s the thing: I took broadcasting in college, but before that I stopped studying the year after High School ended because (hmm, you probably know by now) of Depression. That was 2005, and come 2006, I thought I was already fine (conventional family; these things should end—just.like.that.), so I went back to school and well, college was pretty good to me. It was my comfort zone. I had friends everywhere. I was even President of our org once, was part of the Honors Society, the student council, was hosting our in-school radio show, organized benefit concerts and car shows—in short, I was acing both my academics and my social life, so I was pretty fine (except for times when my heart was broken! HA!)

But then, on my junior year, I had this internship at a TV Network and it made me feel like, “waiiiiit…this probably isn’t the right thing for me to do”. I remember my friend and I even had a conversation with one of the network’s directors once and she said that we should ask ourselves if it was really what we wanted. But well, I’m kind of the queen of lying to myself then so I thought, the feelings of confusion are going to pass. I wanted to shift at that point, but I thought it was too late, so I continued, and soon, I was already about to graduate.

Before that, though, I remember my friends and I had this conversation about our expectations after college, and one of them said she was scared. She was scared of starting again—of finding her place in the world. Well, I was kind of the mother hen of the group, too, so I said, we’ll all be okay and we’ll find our places in the world.

So, fast forward to what happened after graduation: I can still remember how 2 weeks after grad, I was already being pressured to find work—and it was then that I realized how easy the generations before us had it: how they easily found work—how it was just “easy”, period.

Anyway, I was still one of the first ones in our batch who found work, but well…it just didn’t work for me. I felt like crying in the office each day, wanting to go home when I’m done with my responsibilities for the day.  I felt like I could not fit in, so I resigned, and of course, my parents were disappointed. Who wouldn’t be? To them, I was this High School Salutatorian and College Dean’s Lister WHO COULD NOT MAKE UP HER MIND. And it was wrong. And I understood, but the thing was…I just could not fit in. I just could not be myself. And that was hard.

So, well, I was jobless for months—and my god, I couldn’t even begin to tell you how depressed I was back then; how the words really pierced my soul and made me feel like I was worthless.

I then went from job to job but long story short: I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give my best. I always got sick. I literally felt like killing myself to the point that I became such a liar. I lied about going to work, even when I didn’t. I lied, I lied, I lied—and my life become literally a toxic lie.

And when those things happen, you really have to make tough decisions—and really take control of your life.

All I’m saying is…life after graduation? It isn’t as easy as it seems. Maybe, some would have it easy—and that’s good. But it doesn’t happen for everyone. Getting what you want takes time, and you really do have to have tough skin for it. You have to help yourself. You have to make your own decisions. You have to fall down to the pits so you could rise up again. You have to—as cheesy as this sounds—hold on to your passion. You have to give yourself the chance to dream new dreams—and work for the ones you really believe in. You just have to do something with your life, whatever that means.

Do I like the person I’ve become? Well, to be honest, there are times when I don’t, but mostly, I do. Because I know that I worked hard for what I have now—and I am working hard for what I could still have. I may not be the same girl in those pictures anymore, but I guess, that’s good. You change as you grow. You change as you go.

“I love the woman I’ve become. I fought hard to become her.” –Kaci Diane

Every Version of You

One, you were full of daydreams; nothing you can remember anymore

Two, you opened up your eyes to harsh realities; some you blinded yourself from

Three and four, you found hope

Five, you started to be confused; about life, about the world

Six, you were a big sister

Seven, you were a little lady

Eight, nine, ten, you were meek; you were shy

Eleven, twelve, you were painfully awkward; the world was harsh;

Thirteen, fourteen, you lost one of the people you loved most

Fifteen, you were full of dreams; had your head in the clouds; only going up, up, up

Sixteen, you fell back to earth; had to stop; didn’t know where to go next

Seventeen, you had a breakdown; tried to pick yourself back up

Eighteen, you had the world in your hands

Nineteen, your world came crashing down

Twenty, you were full of grace

Twenty One, you didn’t know where you were headed

Twenty Two, you tried; oh how much you tried

Twenty Three, you were full of lies

Twenty Four, you went away; left that world; built something new

Twenty Five, you were back with your fairy tales; you know they never left; they never will

Twenty Six, you were good; you were alright

Twenty Seven, you’re fine; and then you’re not

 

I still see every version of you;

Every version of me;

There’ll be more

So much more

There’d be hope

Hopefully more

 

On Depression

Well…I really have no sugary words to cover this up with: I am depressed. My depression is taking over my brain right now, making me feel worse than I already do each day. Not the “blah it’s a sad day” kind, but the debilitating, my world feels like it’s falling apart no matter how I try to make myself happy kind.

The reason why I don’t often talk about this is because I get more messed up when I ask advice from people (and I am still not asking for any), and I’m better at dealing with my own mind on my own. Sometimes, though, I just want to chuck it out of the window.

I’ve come to accept that my depression is probably going to be with me forever—because it is a disease. It isn’t something that depressed people have invented to ask for pity or whatever, but it’s just what it is. When you’re depressed, no matter what you have, no matter how “good” your life is, you’re depressed. Medications help, but at the end of the day, you’re depressed—and you have to deal with it on your own.  When you’re depressed, there’s this big dark cloud above your head, and it rains—and it rains, and it rains.

Some people say you have to think “positive”—but when your depression attacks and makes its way to the surface, and when you’ve had so many days of pretending you’re fine, you kind of become like a vessel that’s really close to overflowing—like you’re just going to explode. And you think of so many things all at once. With me, right now, it’s the following…

1. Feeling so utterly tired with work but have no choice but to work because a 9 to 5 job just wouldn’t suit me (I’ve tried so MANY TIMES already. It never works) I do like what I’m doing…sometimes, I just don’t feel like it’s enough, or I’m enough, or that it matters.
2. Wanting to move
3. Publishing things—but not many people believing in you, and the people you wish would believe in you just don’t do as much (I’d probably cry if I elaborate ha-ha)
4. Asking simple things and not being answered properly…or people being too tired of your questions, when it’s your first time to ask them(!)
5. Being disappointed by some people
6. Being disappointed by yourself
7. Starting things, but being confused
8. Feeling like the way you take care of your pets is not enough; why they sometimes get sick; why you had to lose so many before
9. Feeling unheard
10. Feeling like you’re too much—that you care too much, but when you try not to, you still do
11. Missing home—but having no home to come back to
12. Always feeling not good enough
13. Wishing for this and that

Lalala the list goes on. I’m saying this not because I want people to pity me, but because seriously…my head just feels like it’s about to explode and my heart feels so heavy and I don’t know how to talk to people about these things anymore and it’s my blog lol so whatever.

I guess I’m just tired.

I know it’ll pass. It always does.

But right now, at this moment, I’m just…tired.

May 3 to 9: Anxiety and Depression Awareness Week--Because it's not "all in our heads" #MHActNow

Depression Awareness Ribbon

Anxiety Awareness Ribbon

May 3 to 9 is National Anxiety and Depression Awareness Week and I think it's fitting that I talk about these things because I actually suffer from them--and it would be nice to try to open up our minds to the reality of these conditions.

You see, here's the thing: A lot of people, especially in this country, often think that these conditions are just "all in the head"; that they're not "real"; that they're "drama lang". Sure, it might look that way at times, but the truth is so much different from that. 

Let me tell you a little something about these conditions. Look at the two circles below.

So, the first circle you see is all about Anxiety. Anxiety is so terrible that you get to have all these thoughts in your mind--all at the same time. I'll give you an example:

1. You think about what you'll tell your boyfriend when you see him later; as in you rehearse in your head the sentences you want to say.

2. You think about what your cats have in mind.

3. You think about which photo you're going to upload on Instagram.

4. You think about something that hurt you a while ago.

5. You think about something that hurt you ages ago. 

6. You think about how hot it is, or about maybe doing something wrong at work, or about not getting paid or losing money (even when there's no basis),about seeing people you hate, about hearing their names, about other stuff.... 

...and so on and so forth.

And all these things are in your head ALL AT THE SAME TIME. So, just imagine how that feels. And imagine how it would feel when something doesn't happen according to what you have in mind--like scheduling conflicts, or things that would just pop up. (I actually do like surprises when they're good but when things kind of disrupt my schedule, and these things are not those "happy birthday surprises" or whatever, they could really make me cringe)

It's so, so, so not easy. And people can say stuff like, "Oh, it's all in your head, lalala. Oh, there's no basis to that". YES, WE DO KNOW THAT. I do know that. And that's the thing--Anxiety plays with your mind like that. It makes you so fearful. It makes you feel like you're not yourself anymore and you have no idea what happens next.

On the other hand, the second circle is an illustration of how Depression feels like. It makes you feel empty. It drains you of any energy you have and literally makes you not want to stand up from bed. It makes you want to cry for no reason at all--or for all the reasons in the world. 

Imagine going back and forth between these two. It's so exhausting. It's so exhausting but you have to fight it. It's so exhausting but you still have to live your life because it's all you have.

I think I started having Depression at age 4 or 5. I remember packing my bags at that age, actually wanting to leave home. I remember feeling like, "this isn't what I want". (Told you, I grew up early) And, over time, it just grew worse. And the worst part is that in a family who believes in traditions, who are you know, full of norms and all that, it's hard to make them understand that it's something that you do not want to happen--and yet it happens. 

The anxiety also worsened over time. There were times (especially back in college) when I just wouldn't be able to sleep; times when I'd cry myself to death, and even hurt myself. Even now, there are days when I couldn't help but feel like escaping; like I just want it all to end because it's so, so, so exhausting. And it is an everyday battle. 

The pain is physical, too. Your chest tightens, you feel like you're literally gonna die. Your head aches, you get flushes, your blood boils, you feel so bad. You don't want to hear sounds; you don't wanna hear any noise. You want the world to be quiet. You want to have peace. 

For years, I really, really wanted to die. There would be times when I'd take more medicine than I could handle because I couldn't stand the pain anymore. But, I'm still here--still fighting.

Some 3 years ago, I had a breakdown, was brought to the hospital and all that. My mom said didn't believe that there's "something wrong with me", even though she almost always said that while I was growing up; that I wasn't normal, etc. It also hurt when you'd hear things like, "Oh, this didn't happen", or "Oh your memory's wrong". It's about a refusal to get help, because there's a stigma that when you have these conditions, you're "INSANE". And I guess, I understand why it's hard for her to accept that so eventually, I really had to leave home. It's toxic. A house isn't always a home. Your family won't always be there for you; won't always accept you--sad, but true. 

No, I didn't write this to get pity or whatever. And it's also not because I want to put the blame on my family. One thing that most people don't understand is that it's really not the fault of the people around you--and it's not your fault, too. But, that shouldn't become a reason for people to think that "it's all in your head". I wrote this because I want to help some people understand that hey, this happens.

We celebrate people with Cancer, right? We know it's not their fault. So, why can't we celebrate people who actually try to fight their mental illnesses, too? Just because someone has a mental condition doesn't mean that he's crazy; that he's making it all up. Just because we can't see the symptoms doesn't mean it isn't real. Just because you can't feel the pain doesn't mean that it isn't there.

On another note, it's sad that there's no Mental Health Bill in the Philippines--see how stigmatized these conditions are? But we can try to change things.

SIGN THIS PETITION TO Make the country’s first Mental Health Act happen. #MHActnow and don't forget to share the link with your friends.

This week is just one week to try to understand Anxiety and Depression, but it's always more than that. For us who suffer from these conditions, and those who suffer other mental conditions, it's an everyday battle. All we need is a little bit of your understanding. All we need is acceptance.

Because really, that matters a lot. It really does. 

Jasmine Warga - MY HEART AND OTHER BLACK HOLES - Book Review

Title: My Heart and Other Black Holes

Author: Jasmine Warga

My Rating: 4/5 Stars

Sixteen-year-old physics nerd Aysel is obsessed with plotting her own death. With a mother who can barely look at her without wincing, classmates who whisper behind her back, and a father whose violent crime rocked her small town, Aysel is ready to turn her potential energy into nothingness.

There’s only one problem: she’s not sure she has the courage to do it alone. But once she discovers a website with a section called Suicide Partners, Aysel’s convinced she’s found her solution: a teen boy with the username FrozenRobot (aka Roman) who’s haunted by a family tragedy is looking for a partner. 

Even though Aysel and Roman have nothing in common, they slowly start to fill in each other’s broken lives. But as their suicide pact becomes more concrete, Aysel begins to question whether she really wants to go through with it. Ultimately, she must choose between wanting to die or trying to convince Roman to live so they can discover the potential of their energy together. Except that Roman may not be so easy to convince.

***

I feel like I can sense a pattern with recently released YA books, because I've read two books the past month or so with the same theme so I thought...this better be good or else, I am so not going to finish it.

In the first couple of pages, I felt like...this really feels like some of the stuff I read BUT--and it's a big but, I knew that there were going to be a couple different things about it. And so, I went on reading.

And you know what? It actually turned out to be amazing.

MY HEART AND OTHER BLACK HOLES will remind you that depression is real. It is a medical condition, and it shouldn't be taken lightly. But more so, it will also remind you that teenagers have every right to feel what they feel; actually, every person does. 

What I really liked about this book was that it was unpretentious. It was so beautiful in all its simplicity, and the thing is, there is depth in that simplicity and, that, for me is one of the best things about a book: when it gets you compelled and emotionally involved without trying hard enough.

"Maybe we all have darkness inside of us and some of us are better at dealing with it than others.” 

I also liked the dynamics between Roman and Aysel. What they had was not like the love stories of characters in most books where the MC and LI were just...into each other right away, or hard sparks right away. You know what I mean? I like the build up. I like how the characters will make you think about what their roles in each other's lives would be, and how the relationship will progress--or if it will progress at all.

It's a book filled with beautiful, colorful characters--with their black holes and all. And boy, it would really make you feel for the characters and for what they're going through. There were times in the book where I was like, "Oh please don't let this happen" or, "NOOOOOO", and the like. In the end, I think I got what I wanted from it.

The ending, for me, is beautiful and realistic: again, it's not pretentious and it would allow you to really see the reality of how things could be, and how life is seen by different eyes, through different perspectives.

“I will be stronger than my sadness.” 

Whether or not you're suffering from depression, I recommend that you read this book, so you could open up your eyes some more and hopefully, get to understand the people around you. You won't regret it, I promise.

Lightweight.

It's one of those nights again.
Nights when my mind goes haywire; when I feel like nothing's right in the world; When I don't feel good about myself.

Days when life feels like shit.
Days when I just want to be whisked away somewhere. I don't know where.

The Aftermath.

Pointless is when you no longer see things the same way.
Pointless is when you feel like you have so much to say, but nothing could be said.
Pointless is thinking too much.
Pointless is not thinking at all.
Pointless is feeling this...pull of emotions.
Pointless.
What's pointless?

**
Don't ask me why I wrote that,  I've just been feeling too much recently, and I have no idea how to put it out. Anyway, even if that's the case, Cory's death is still embedded in my mind. It's like...losing someone so close to you and it's just so hard.

Reasons why it's so hard to accept this:

1. Because, well, he was a big part of my everyday life, especially back in 2010 when I first failed at "the real world" and all I had was Glee, twitter and my brothers watching the episodes with me. I wasn't Finn's biggest fan, but I always respected Cory and it's just...surreal.
2. Lea Michele. If this is already hard on me, on us fans, then how do you think Lea is feeling? I just can't imagine.
3. Because, he has this whole life ahead of him and you could only imagine how great his life would've been if only this did not happen. On second thoughts, maybe, this was meant to happen because life wouldn't be as great as it is, as it was.
4. Because it gets you thinking, Like, a guy who has basically everything in the world still has some issues of his own. A guy who's genuine and good still had some insecurities and sometimes, that overshadows the love. And it's sad.
5. Demi's right when she said that recovery is not a one time thing--you have to go through it every single day, and you have to surround yourself with people who have your best interests at heart. One wwrong move and voila...
6. Because life will never be the same again. And I'm sure you Gleeks would agree.

**

Recovery is something that you have to work on every single day and it’s something that it doesn’t get a day off. --Demi Lovato

Lost

And, I guess the title resonates to me right now since I forgot to add Katy Perry's "Lost" to my previous post...And no, I'd rather not edit.

"Have you ever been so lost? Know the way and still so lost..."

I have, Katy. I am. Who knew that life was like this? That you could not only get lost in the streets, but also in...life. I don't know how to put that into words.

"Can't find the way coz the way is gone, and if I pray am I just sending words into outerspace?"

No, I do not mean to be judging of anyone's religion. I may not be religious, but I am faithful, as I often say. My relationship with God is a relationship, and not just the whole "I go to church so I'm good" thing. Its just that sometimes, it's so hard to grasp why some people get everything they want JUST.LIKE.THAT.

But oh well. I should stop asking.

Inner Demons, and Songs that Dig A Hole in Your Heart

I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

When the curtain's call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl
So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made
Imagine Dragons "Demons"

     This has been a hell of a week. A week that never should have been. A week that's full of lows. There were highs, but mostly lows. A week of remembering. A week I'd rather forget. But weeks like this stay with me for long, and it's likely that I will not forget.
     Loneliness is sad. It's an excruciating battle. Adjusting is hard. It's always hard for me to adjust. Heck, it took me three years to trust some of my college friends. It always takes me a while to open my heart to people. To live in the now. To tell myself that it's fine.
     This week I just feel soooooo tiiiiiiired. Of working on stuff, of not getting any answers, of...life.
     Moving away helped, yes. But then again, sometimes, when you think about it, the underlying problems are still there. Your demons are just inside of you, inching their way out when you do not want them to. Sometimes, the hatred is far too big and it is so hard to fight. You want to be by yourself, but you never want to be alone. You fight, and fight, and fight, and it gets so tiring you just want to hide someplace safe. It's a battle within yourself. 

    I do not know what to say to let all these feelings out. I don't know anything right now.
    Anyway, tonight my playlist has been crazy and it spit out songs that just speak to me...And made me even more emotional. 
Here are the songs you should listen to (or not) if you're feeling low and low:
1. Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek
"Hide and Seek, Trains and Sewing Machines..." (And yes, it always, always reminds me of The OC, so yeah, double the tears)
2. Orelia Has Orchestra - Suggestions
"Well it just takes  a second for my world to come crumbling down, oh, I'm sure in the distance, you can hear that awful sound..."
3. Room For Two - Roots Before Branches
"I know I'm meant for something else, but first I gotta find myself, but I don't know how..."
4. Billy Joel-Vienna 
"Though you can see when you're wrong you know you can't always see when you're right, you're right..." (And this song always breaks my heart)
5. Rachael Yamagata-Reason Why
"And you can tell the world what they want to hear but I've got nothing left to lose my dear..."

And, ugh, as I am writing this, Hide and Seek is playing. again. Why thank you, playlist.

And as for the blog, and why I started another one, like I can handle more accounts, I just...felt like it. Maybe I have to do things just for the heck of it sometimes.
It's Saturday and I'm wide awake. Sleepy and tired. Let's hope I do get some shut-eye.