On Fake People, Things I Hate, and Why I’m Not Around

Have you ever gotten to the point where you felt like almost everything and everyone around you is fake? Like, you just woke up one morning and you felt so overwhelmed about everything that you had to stand back a bit?

Well, that’s what’s been happening to me lately.

If you’ve been reading this blog, or have been talking to me deeply, you would know that my depression isn’t a secret. Well, recently it has been really, really, really bad.

Let’s see…Well, this started 2 Mondays ago when I felt like…oops. Wow. Are these really the people in my life now? How did I get to the point where I thought that the friends I have now are actually “real”, when well…it doesn’t really seem like they are. Even if you’re actually just being there for them. I didn’t like the thought that these people felt like I was wasting their time and space because uhm, hello, look at our chat history, people. Look at our history, period. There, I said it.

I’ve also gotten to that point in my life when I feel like…everything’s happening so fast, and yet it’s all too slow…you know what I’m saying? Don’t worry if you’re confused. I confuse myself a lot, too. But, anyway…let’s just say that when you’re in your late 20s and you feel like “nothing is happening in your life”, well…it sucks. And it sucks bad.

Normally, it does not affect me, but I guess there really are moments in life when you feel like you have no idea what you’re waiting for anymore. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s about your career, your relationships, whatever. It’s hard when you get to that point, but then when you look back and think about the alternative…it’s like, you have no idea where you’re going to go, and you certainly don’t want to go back. So, what would you do, right?

And then I suffered two losses in the past two weeks. You know when people say they’re tired because school is tiring, work is tiring, etc? Well, I’m tired because of all these losses and mishaps. And believe me, these things become normal to you when you’re used to them, but there also comes a time when you just get so tired. So, so, so tired.

I’ve been wanting to write this for a while, but the thing about me is whenever I get these overwhelming moments, I really get overwhelmed. And I’ve no idea how to write it all down anymore.

So, maybe this’ll be too negative, but maybe, that’s the only way for me to let it go.

I hate the fact that I lost one of my dogs. And I can’t talk about it because it kills me.

I hate the fact that I lost my tablet (I know it’s shallow, but…)

I hate the fact that no one seems to read what I write. I don’t even want to write fiction anymore. I have all these ideas in my head, and I still get requests from former fanfic readers from time to time, but you know…generally, when I put out all those books last year, I just felt like I never really got the support I needed. And wanted (because seriously, who does not want support?). And it sucks when you see people who don’t work hard as much as you do get all the support—even when their works are just mediocre. It’s hard when you don’t get the chance you know you deserve. It hurts when you actually get that chance but it doesn’t make you feel like anything because no one is around to support you. I don’t even want to read this stupid book (a compilation I’m part of) that arrived in my door because it pains me. And believe me, I know how unfair life is, and I know this sounds like I’m such a brat but I never talk about this so whatever. I hate it when answers take months and years to come. I can wait, but how long is too long? And how much is too much?

I hate it when I feel like work is being monotonous. I hate feeling like I’m not good enough, or I’m not getting enough, or whatever.

I hate not having real friends, maybe because I’ve mostly pushed people away, but what can I do? I really can’t stand people who have disappointed me or hurt me. I seriously have none of that plasticity or whatever you call that thing where you still talk to people you hate or have done you wrong even when you do not like them at all. When you’re cut off, you’re cut off. Done and done. Last week, when I was asking for help, only two people went out of their way to reach out—Jehan and Bea. And if you’re reading this, thank you girls. See, it’s like out of the sea of people in your life, you don’t really have anyone. And that sucks.

But anyway, I chanced upon my Facebook a couple of days ago. I deactivated it so I don’t know why it’s working, and still not using it the way I used to because it seriously gives me the creeps now. And well, I saw messages from some friends, specifically Nina and Alyssa. Sorry for not replying. Sorry for not being strong enough to come back yet. But I appreciate it. I really do.

I hate waiting for that ring on my finger. I don’t know, I don’t even want to deal with people on my wedding day if that’s going to happen, but maybe I just like the idea of “getting married” even if I’m actually in a stable relationship because when you see people around you getting married, it sucks, and yeah I’m still that romantic girl deep down even though I buried her in so much control now. (Uhm, it’s the time of the month so maybe screw this? But maybe no, because it’s real)

I hate friends who say “I’m a busy mom, how are you?” UHM, like I care? I still don’t want kids, nope. And I’m good with my cats and dogs, thank you.

I hate missing my family but when I look back on all the years of abuse—abuse that most of them deny because yeah, my brothers never really felt that—it sucks. It sucks. It sucks. I hate missing them. I hate wanting to check on them or wanting to visit because I know nothing has changed and it will just break my heart if I do. But of course, no matter how screwed up your family is, you’d still miss them, even just a bit. Just imagine not having anyone to come back to. It sucks.

I hate still having these fits of depression and anxiety and the feeling that you want to hurt yourself (sadly, I have relapsed and am doing so at times). I hate going back to that 9 year old girl who hurt herself because no one is around for her.

I hate not having a proper home. I won’t elaborate but yeah.

I hate feeling like I have no proper “roots” because at times, I still think about how it would be like to meet my real dad even though the times I tried to find him, I just got severely disappointed.

I hate not being enough.

I hate the stupid arguments, and not being understood.

Again, I hate not being enough.

Or maybe, I hate being too much.

Maybe, I should talk about these things more, little by little.

Maybe, I’d have clarity then. Maybe, not.

It’s just a cycle.

 

So, I don’t really know what I’m talking about anymore, but this felt somewhat cathartic. Maybe I’ll be fine. Maybe, I won’t. I’d always pull through, anyway.

Right now, I’m just tired.

 

 

 

 

 

Too Much to Ask

When you were old enough to understand the harsh realities of life, you realized that losses were inevitable. You can love someone or something and in an instant, they could be taken away from you.

Then you grow up, grow old, and the losses just keep on happening. They keep on happening that you begin to question what is it that you did wrong. You question why the universe is keen on taking what you love away from you, when you know you have taken care of them with all your heart, and that you did everything you can to keep them safe; protected.

There comes a point when you have already cried too many tears for all your losses that when another one happens, you tend to lose the ability to cry—but you do not lose the ability to hurt. You hurt so bad that you just want the world to stop. You hurt so bad that you try to replay the situation in your head to justify it; try to see how is that that within seconds, you could lose something you love when things seemed normal; fine; going well.

You want the pain to stop but you have no idea how.

You want to keep on hoping that this won’t happen again, but you’re scared now.

 

Maybe, there really comes a time when you don’t want losses to happen anymore—even though that seems impossible.

But is it too much to ask the world to just be sane for you, even for a while? For the heartbreaks to stop? For the hurt not to linger?

Is it too much?

 

 

“Sometimes I think the human heart is just a simple shelf. There is only so much you can pile onto it before something falls off an edge and you are left to pick up the pieces.”
― Jodi Picoult, House Rules

Four

1

For four years I’ve wondered what it would be like to share my life with someone again. There were many mishaps; many misshapen turns. I. I have crashed and burned so many times. I have fallen hard, and realized that skinned knees were better than broken hearts; that love doesn’t come easy; that just because you think you feel something does not mean the other person feels it, too.

I was deadest on spending the rest of my life alone. I was fine with it. I was tired. To be honest, I did not think much of you before—then you came crashing back into my life, and changed it in more ways than one. From Clementine erasing Joel from her mind, Elvis and Anabelle saving each other, to reading that shady, crazy book—we shared the most profound memories; we laughed, had adventures, started something—whatever it was. Because really, it didn’t have a name for a while. But that didn’t matter.

You often told me how much you loved me. You wrote poems and musings that no one ever did for me, and it scared me. It scared me because I knew that if I gave my heart away, I would give all of it.

But isn’t that what love’s supposed to be about? Or so they say.

For years, I thought life was just going to be the way it was—mornings spent alone, watching endless movies and television shows, going to bed late, late at night with no hand to hold.

I was filled with lies, and I consumed them. I lived in them. I became a huge walking lie until one day, we both decided it had to end. It was not easy, but it was our choice.

It was far, far from my fairytale. But it was our story. And I liked it that way.

2

We had fun—and that would be an understatement.

Late nights in the city, the rain on our faces, our bodies drenched but our hearts happy. Days walking in the park, under the trees, under the stars. All those dreams we shared. All the memories we made.

I was so used to being alone, but then I realized there’s warmth that stuffed bears and bunnies wouldn’t give. There’s a certain kind of happiness that comes from laying next to the one you love, even when you just hold hands and listen to your own breaths; the kind that makes you want to stay in bed. The kind that makes you realize what home is.

They say that when love is good, it is magic. And it’s true: days become better, nights no longer feel lonely. You have someone who’s your other half, not because both of you are broken, but because you’re whole enough to share your life with someone else. And that in itself is magical—more than any other magic can bring.

We built our own furry family, we tried to enjoy life with whatever we had.

We were living our life, and we thought that was enough.

3

There comes a time in relationships when you begin to question things. You wonder who started it all; you wonder if it matters; you wonder if this is what it’s supposed to be. It happens. It cannot be helped.

I was used to being alone, so I had to struggle being surrounded by people all the time. At times you think I didn’t try. But I did. But like most of the things in my life, it just wouldn’t fit. But you did, no matter how different we are—and would always be. Some things just would not change.

From all our happy days stemmed days when fights and arguments became prevalent. When tears do not seem enough to convey the pain; when shouts and screams don’t seem enough to end the noise inside.

There are days when I know we’re both confused. Is it possible that you still love each other when there are days that you just want to end it? Or is it just in your head?

They say that love is not always enough. And it’s true.

Love isn’t always enough to cover certain things that hurt. Love is not always enough to let each day pass by.

But then again…do you really wish for the alternative?

4

Four years tomorrow. Four years now.

Sometimes, you do not even feel the years anymore.

Nothing is perfect, of this I am sure.

Sometimes, I would sit and wonder exactly when things have changed, because I know I have. And you have, too. It makes me wonder about that first year, when we were both so positive; when no matter how I’ve seen the harsh realities of life, my idealism was still there.

You often tell me that you miss that person; the person I used to be.

What I don’t tell you is that I miss the part of the person you were, too. What I don’t tell you is that I miss the person I’ve been, too. I don’t know where she went, but I believe she’s still there.

I miss who we’ve been.

Because relationships are one thing—but love is another.

 

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, they say. So take my hand. Let’s not fail.

 

 

On Depression

Well…I really have no sugary words to cover this up with: I am depressed. My depression is taking over my brain right now, making me feel worse than I already do each day. Not the “blah it’s a sad day” kind, but the debilitating, my world feels like it’s falling apart no matter how I try to make myself happy kind.

The reason why I don’t often talk about this is because I get more messed up when I ask advice from people (and I am still not asking for any), and I’m better at dealing with my own mind on my own. Sometimes, though, I just want to chuck it out of the window.

I’ve come to accept that my depression is probably going to be with me forever—because it is a disease. It isn’t something that depressed people have invented to ask for pity or whatever, but it’s just what it is. When you’re depressed, no matter what you have, no matter how “good” your life is, you’re depressed. Medications help, but at the end of the day, you’re depressed—and you have to deal with it on your own.  When you’re depressed, there’s this big dark cloud above your head, and it rains—and it rains, and it rains.

Some people say you have to think “positive”—but when your depression attacks and makes its way to the surface, and when you’ve had so many days of pretending you’re fine, you kind of become like a vessel that’s really close to overflowing—like you’re just going to explode. And you think of so many things all at once. With me, right now, it’s the following…

1. Feeling so utterly tired with work but have no choice but to work because a 9 to 5 job just wouldn’t suit me (I’ve tried so MANY TIMES already. It never works) I do like what I’m doing…sometimes, I just don’t feel like it’s enough, or I’m enough, or that it matters.
2. Wanting to move
3. Publishing things—but not many people believing in you, and the people you wish would believe in you just don’t do as much (I’d probably cry if I elaborate ha-ha)
4. Asking simple things and not being answered properly…or people being too tired of your questions, when it’s your first time to ask them(!)
5. Being disappointed by some people
6. Being disappointed by yourself
7. Starting things, but being confused
8. Feeling like the way you take care of your pets is not enough; why they sometimes get sick; why you had to lose so many before
9. Feeling unheard
10. Feeling like you’re too much—that you care too much, but when you try not to, you still do
11. Missing home—but having no home to come back to
12. Always feeling not good enough
13. Wishing for this and that

Lalala the list goes on. I’m saying this not because I want people to pity me, but because seriously…my head just feels like it’s about to explode and my heart feels so heavy and I don’t know how to talk to people about these things anymore and it’s my blog lol so whatever.

I guess I’m just tired.

I know it’ll pass. It always does.

But right now, at this moment, I’m just…tired.

Because You Can Never Be Prepared Enough and He Has to Run Free

No matter how hard you try, you can never be prepared enough for death. You say you're okay, say you're fine, say it's going to be fine, but there are some losses that are bigger than the others, far wider than what you could grasp.

Sometimes, you have all these dreams and they could be shattered just because life throws itself at you and you have to deal with it. Sometimes, you have all these plans and because of death, they'll never come to life again.

They say you have to let the ones you love go because sometimes, that's the only way for them to be happy and free. And you try, because you know that there's no other way--but you're left with a hole in your heart and the feeling that you'll never be okay again.

But of course, you'll be. Sooner or later, you'll be.

But things will never be the same again.

Why do the ones you love have to go when you're not ready, anyway?

When exactly are you going to be ready, anyway?

Bye, Kitty. Fly in Peace. x

(May 2013 to January 30, 2014)

Lightweight.

It's one of those nights again.
Nights when my mind goes haywire; when I feel like nothing's right in the world; When I don't feel good about myself.

Days when life feels like shit.
Days when I just want to be whisked away somewhere. I don't know where.

Sleep is for the weak

I don't know what's wrong with me these days. I can't sleep, I can't eat much. Sometimes I'd rather not eat, and when I get so hungry and grab something to eat, I end up throwing up...No, not on purpose. I also have these terrible headaches and these backpains, oh my god, they're killin' me. Signs of aging, eh? I really just haven't been feeling like myself lately...

***

You know, sometimes I think that it's really pointless to fight for something that you know will just backfire. It's frustrating to voice out your opinions, to stand by people when they're hurting and then when they're okay, JUST LIKE THAT, it's like, your opinions, your pain did not matter anymore. I've been on the losing end of this so many times so it's just...freaking frustrating. Again, the non-perks of caring too much.

***

A few days ago, I read a horoscope of mine that says that "You had your reasons. Don't question what you have or where you are now". And I know, I did, it's just that sometimes...Oh well...

***

Anyway...I brought some stuff today, nail-art and all that. Cheers? :)

Lost

And, I guess the title resonates to me right now since I forgot to add Katy Perry's "Lost" to my previous post...And no, I'd rather not edit.

"Have you ever been so lost? Know the way and still so lost..."

I have, Katy. I am. Who knew that life was like this? That you could not only get lost in the streets, but also in...life. I don't know how to put that into words.

"Can't find the way coz the way is gone, and if I pray am I just sending words into outerspace?"

No, I do not mean to be judging of anyone's religion. I may not be religious, but I am faithful, as I often say. My relationship with God is a relationship, and not just the whole "I go to church so I'm good" thing. Its just that sometimes, it's so hard to grasp why some people get everything they want JUST.LIKE.THAT.

But oh well. I should stop asking.

Inner Demons, and Songs that Dig A Hole in Your Heart

I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

When the curtain's call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl
So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made
Imagine Dragons "Demons"

     This has been a hell of a week. A week that never should have been. A week that's full of lows. There were highs, but mostly lows. A week of remembering. A week I'd rather forget. But weeks like this stay with me for long, and it's likely that I will not forget.
     Loneliness is sad. It's an excruciating battle. Adjusting is hard. It's always hard for me to adjust. Heck, it took me three years to trust some of my college friends. It always takes me a while to open my heart to people. To live in the now. To tell myself that it's fine.
     This week I just feel soooooo tiiiiiiired. Of working on stuff, of not getting any answers, of...life.
     Moving away helped, yes. But then again, sometimes, when you think about it, the underlying problems are still there. Your demons are just inside of you, inching their way out when you do not want them to. Sometimes, the hatred is far too big and it is so hard to fight. You want to be by yourself, but you never want to be alone. You fight, and fight, and fight, and it gets so tiring you just want to hide someplace safe. It's a battle within yourself. 

    I do not know what to say to let all these feelings out. I don't know anything right now.
    Anyway, tonight my playlist has been crazy and it spit out songs that just speak to me...And made me even more emotional. 
Here are the songs you should listen to (or not) if you're feeling low and low:
1. Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek
"Hide and Seek, Trains and Sewing Machines..." (And yes, it always, always reminds me of The OC, so yeah, double the tears)
2. Orelia Has Orchestra - Suggestions
"Well it just takes  a second for my world to come crumbling down, oh, I'm sure in the distance, you can hear that awful sound..."
3. Room For Two - Roots Before Branches
"I know I'm meant for something else, but first I gotta find myself, but I don't know how..."
4. Billy Joel-Vienna 
"Though you can see when you're wrong you know you can't always see when you're right, you're right..." (And this song always breaks my heart)
5. Rachael Yamagata-Reason Why
"And you can tell the world what they want to hear but I've got nothing left to lose my dear..."

And, ugh, as I am writing this, Hide and Seek is playing. again. Why thank you, playlist.

And as for the blog, and why I started another one, like I can handle more accounts, I just...felt like it. Maybe I have to do things just for the heck of it sometimes.
It's Saturday and I'm wide awake. Sleepy and tired. Let's hope I do get some shut-eye.