Every Version of You

One, you were full of daydreams; nothing you can remember anymore

Two, you opened up your eyes to harsh realities; some you blinded yourself from

Three and four, you found hope

Five, you started to be confused; about life, about the world

Six, you were a big sister

Seven, you were a little lady

Eight, nine, ten, you were meek; you were shy

Eleven, twelve, you were painfully awkward; the world was harsh;

Thirteen, fourteen, you lost one of the people you loved most

Fifteen, you were full of dreams; had your head in the clouds; only going up, up, up

Sixteen, you fell back to earth; had to stop; didn’t know where to go next

Seventeen, you had a breakdown; tried to pick yourself back up

Eighteen, you had the world in your hands

Nineteen, your world came crashing down

Twenty, you were full of grace

Twenty One, you didn’t know where you were headed

Twenty Two, you tried; oh how much you tried

Twenty Three, you were full of lies

Twenty Four, you went away; left that world; built something new

Twenty Five, you were back with your fairy tales; you know they never left; they never will

Twenty Six, you were good; you were alright

Twenty Seven, you’re fine; and then you’re not

 

I still see every version of you;

Every version of me;

There’ll be more

So much more

There’d be hope

Hopefully more

 

On Depression

Well…I really have no sugary words to cover this up with: I am depressed. My depression is taking over my brain right now, making me feel worse than I already do each day. Not the “blah it’s a sad day” kind, but the debilitating, my world feels like it’s falling apart no matter how I try to make myself happy kind.

The reason why I don’t often talk about this is because I get more messed up when I ask advice from people (and I am still not asking for any), and I’m better at dealing with my own mind on my own. Sometimes, though, I just want to chuck it out of the window.

I’ve come to accept that my depression is probably going to be with me forever—because it is a disease. It isn’t something that depressed people have invented to ask for pity or whatever, but it’s just what it is. When you’re depressed, no matter what you have, no matter how “good” your life is, you’re depressed. Medications help, but at the end of the day, you’re depressed—and you have to deal with it on your own.  When you’re depressed, there’s this big dark cloud above your head, and it rains—and it rains, and it rains.

Some people say you have to think “positive”—but when your depression attacks and makes its way to the surface, and when you’ve had so many days of pretending you’re fine, you kind of become like a vessel that’s really close to overflowing—like you’re just going to explode. And you think of so many things all at once. With me, right now, it’s the following…

1. Feeling so utterly tired with work but have no choice but to work because a 9 to 5 job just wouldn’t suit me (I’ve tried so MANY TIMES already. It never works) I do like what I’m doing…sometimes, I just don’t feel like it’s enough, or I’m enough, or that it matters.
2. Wanting to move
3. Publishing things—but not many people believing in you, and the people you wish would believe in you just don’t do as much (I’d probably cry if I elaborate ha-ha)
4. Asking simple things and not being answered properly…or people being too tired of your questions, when it’s your first time to ask them(!)
5. Being disappointed by some people
6. Being disappointed by yourself
7. Starting things, but being confused
8. Feeling like the way you take care of your pets is not enough; why they sometimes get sick; why you had to lose so many before
9. Feeling unheard
10. Feeling like you’re too much—that you care too much, but when you try not to, you still do
11. Missing home—but having no home to come back to
12. Always feeling not good enough
13. Wishing for this and that

Lalala the list goes on. I’m saying this not because I want people to pity me, but because seriously…my head just feels like it’s about to explode and my heart feels so heavy and I don’t know how to talk to people about these things anymore and it’s my blog lol so whatever.

I guess I’m just tired.

I know it’ll pass. It always does.

But right now, at this moment, I’m just…tired.

Life, Lately (04) + Bookish News!

It has seriously been forever since I last posted here but life has been craaaaazy. There are days when I’m just seriously exhausted and have no time for anything else, and when I do have time I just feel like I want to eat and sleep and walk the dog (lol)…but seriously, it’s been a tiring couple of weeks.

Plus…well, I’ve also been going through a depressive phase. For a time, there were certain things I felt I had to stop (such as writing books, tbh) because I felt like it was going nowhere. I kind of felt like I wasn’t good enough. That has been playing in my head for a while and it was sad and I thought, maybe, I should stop BUT, you know…life really works in mysterious ways because just when I felt like giving up, a certain email popped up in my inbox that made me realize that sometimes, you really just have to wait, especially if you have done your part (because what would you wait for if you have not done your part, right?) and what you’re waiting for will come. I also remembered this conversation I had with a friend (Hi, Kaye!), about dreams and not giving up on your passion, because really, what would life be like if you’d give up altogether?

Well, going back to the email… it’s not exactly what I wanted, but it’s close. Imagine being one of the chosen ones (HAHA not like Harry but that would be good, too) among many (I know, cryptic, will divulge when I could but not now…). What I’m saying is, maybe this will finally lead me to what I really, really want. Maybe, it’s a test. You’ll know soon, but for now (for a taste of it), do read THIS.

And to know more about that, you can subscribe to my newsletter at: http://ift.tt/1OYdEcM

Another bookish news: you can order a copy of this compilation some of my colleagues and I made. It’s called Project TIMES: Hearts For Sale, and you could order your paperback copy here: bit.ly/HeartsForSale

Anyway, going back to other things, I’ve been walking a lot recently because #ChewytheDog loves the outside world so much lol. Still a cat lady though!

What I’ve been reading

Haven’t been reading so much, too L Except for certain articles here and there, and I’ve only read only 15 books this year (that’s a lot for some but not for me but my ADD’s really getting worse…) Most recent reads are:

1. Rainbow Rowell – Kindred Spirits
2. Jojo Moyes – After You
3. Jessica Love – In Real Life
4. OJ Simpson – If I did it (THIS MADE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH UGH)

Currently reading Marcia Clark’s Without a Doubt.

What I’ve been watching

1. American Crime Story: The People vs OJ Simpson. This is so good (and I’m obviously obsessed, if you could tell by what I’ve also been reading recently). It kind of inspires me to do more, do something like that (not KILL OMG but create something as artistic, and as good as that). It’s the kind of show that’s worth watching.
2. How to Get Away with Murder! STOP TRYING TO MAKE WES-LAUREL HAPPEN IT’S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. But seriously, still twisted and gooooood
3. OUAT. IT’S BACK!!! AND DARKER!
4. Damien. Just started watching this and it’s super creepy! I like how they’re using old The Omen footages though. And I’m really scared of saints (at least the figures), big ones (Ikr it’s weird but they really freak me out) and this show UGH !!!!
5. Pretty Little Liars. #Spaleb

Also American Idol is really good this season!!!! Grease: LIVE was also amazing! Still watching Supergirl, some Recovery Road, and Tyler: The Hollywood Medium, amongst others lol. Oh, and a lot of Late Late Show with James Corden!

Current Favorite Tunes (aka songs on repeat)

1. Alex and Sierra – Back to You
2. Alex and Sierra – I Love You
3. We the Kings ft Elena Coates – Sad Song
4. Zayn – Pillowtalk (IKR LOL)
5. Kelly Clarkson – Piece by Piece (Idol Version)
6. Fifth Harmony ft Ty Dolla Sign– Work from Home
7. New Radicals – Get What You Give (old one but I’ve been playing it a lot)
8. Charlie Puth ft Selena Gomez – We Don’t Talk Anymore
9. Carly Rae Jepsen – All That
10. Nick Fradiani – Beautiful Life
11. The Corrs – I Do What I Like
12. Seafret – Sinking Ship
13. Nickel Creek – This Side
14. Lana del Rey – Freak
15. Chvrches – Clearest Blue

That’s it for now, I guess…So how’ve you guys been doing?

P.S. Don’t forget to subscribe to http://ift.tt/1OYdEcM. Making this blog more interactive. Let’s do this!