On Facebook…and the need for “Likes”

So, so, so this the second part of my crazy rant last week (and maybe you can tell from my tone that I’m somehow feeling better now), but there are a few points I left and basically it all leads to this…

I kind of don’t want to be active on Facebook anymore because of the whole “I live for likes” thing. See, our society now is so obsessed with likes—and I guess, I feel guilty about it, too. And it also got to the point where it got so toxic because of the whole brouhaha about the elections and it was too much. Just too much.

Now, back to the “likes” and the NEED for them. Seriously, it’s toxic. And I know because even subconsciously, I fed on that for a while. When you post something, it’s like, let’s see who likes this, etc. Sure, you want to say your opinion, but come on, look at your feed. Check what’s going on. Check what people around you have been saying. It’s like…even simple things could be turned into a big deal simply because people want to state their long opinions every.single.time and it gets so nauseating and you feel compelled to compete, especially when you’re such an overachiever eager beaver (yeah, yeah, yeah me) and then one day, you’d just get to the point where in you’d feel…wait a minute. Why do I care so much? Do I really care this much?

It’s just that…you shouldn’t let yourself be defined by “likes”. And this is what I’m trying to wrap my head around again.

There were also moments in the past when I felt like…HUH. I had a much better post than this person and this person is getting way more likes, etc. I guess we’re all guilty of this, but then you get to realize that society feeds on popularity. It’s a bandwagoning thing. Like, (why am I using like so many times? I sound like a Kardashian lmao) because this person is supposed to be “beautiful”, or “popular”, it automatically means that this person’s posts would be liked right away. And that kind of thought eats at you, especially when you’re going through other things, and you begin to nitpick every single thing you believe is wrong with your life. And it is super unhealthy.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I’m giving up on social media altogether—helloooo, I can’t do that lol. Twitter’s home (and it’s where I met some of the bestest people ever especially Twitter friends circa 2010!!!!), and I still enjoy Instagram but Facebook…ugh. Every time I open it, this surge of anxiety just goes through me. I gave up Tumblr months ago when it also became toxic (although it was my home for years), but it was just too much and it was becoming so mainstream (!!!!) and it just does not work for me anymore the way it used to. Anyway, what I’m saying is that it’s okay to cut some things out of your life. It’s okay not to “compete”. It’s okay to take some time off from Facebook (try it!) and not care so much and just be in a place where you feel okay—where you feel like you can try to find yourself again, and become a better, hopefully stronger version of you. It’s okay to like what you like and not say your opinion just because everyone else is giving theirs. It’s okay to think on your own, and give proper opinions instead of comment on anything and everything just so you’d be “sikat” or so you’d sound so intelligent. But it’s also okay to voice your opinions out. To each his own.

And also…I seriously don’t want to deal with fake people anymore (not all, but there are a couple and it’s just not worth it to give your time and effort for people who don’t care)

I guess I’m just tired of it at the moment but I’d probably get back some other time, but it’s also quite refreshing to be away from it for a while—it’s the closest thing you can get in place of a vacation!

And also…there’s more to life than caring for events that don’t really make you feel good anymore. There is a time to rest, even from your passions—you still have them inside you, after all, and you can always dream new dreams, and you can get back to them when you feel like you’re ready. Not when you’re tired and tired and tired. Work on your own pace, this is what I keep reminding myself now.

And another also…yesterday, I was really devastated to hear about the death of Christina Grimmie. She was just so young—so young, so eager to live, so full of life…she had so much to give. And it’s just sad it was just taken away from her too soon. You just never know what’s going to happen anymore so just live life the best way you could, the way you know how, but don’t hurt or kill others in the process.

Life is so unpredictable these days, so you better chuck the negativity out (I mean, of course, I’d get mad every now and then, and I still have all my issues, but you know…) and just try to find yourself again. I’m on the process.

There are already so many evil people in the world—don’t be one to yourself. Share your story. Help yourself heal.

There’s this song that I often listen to these days—and it’s so beautiful, and it’s called Showing Up by Alex G. Here’s a link, and the lyrics are below…

I used to be so mean to myself

I am my own worst enemy

I used to hide my truth

From you

I can’t remember what it feels like

To come out of hiding

I-I-I-I’m ready

 

Coming out of the shadows like I’m enough

Loving every bit of the real I got

Every inch of my messy is beautiful

Something truly courageous in showing up

Singing

I-I-I-I’m showing up

 

I’ve never measured up

To my rules

My little, careful calculations

They shattered at the sight

Of my roof

That every thought could be loved by

You-ou-ou-ou

I’m not afraid now

I-I-I-I’m…

 

Coming out of the shadows like I’m enough

Loving every bit of the real I got

Every inch of my messy is beautiful

Something truly courageous in showing up

Singing

I-I-I-I’m showing up

 

No more believing I’m gonna need a little more than I got

Done over thinking every reason I gotta sit and watch

[x3]

 

Coming out of the shadows like I’m enough

Loving every bit of the real I got

Every inch of my messy is beautiful

Something truly courageous in showing up

Singing

Oo-oo-oo-oo I’m ready

I-I-I-I’m showing up

That’s all for now. Be back soon with more personal posts! Xx

 

On Fake People, Things I Hate, and Why I’m Not Around

Have you ever gotten to the point where you felt like almost everything and everyone around you is fake? Like, you just woke up one morning and you felt so overwhelmed about everything that you had to stand back a bit?

Well, that’s what’s been happening to me lately.

If you’ve been reading this blog, or have been talking to me deeply, you would know that my depression isn’t a secret. Well, recently it has been really, really, really bad.

Let’s see…Well, this started 2 Mondays ago when I felt like…oops. Wow. Are these really the people in my life now? How did I get to the point where I thought that the friends I have now are actually “real”, when well…it doesn’t really seem like they are. Even if you’re actually just being there for them. I didn’t like the thought that these people felt like I was wasting their time and space because uhm, hello, look at our chat history, people. Look at our history, period. There, I said it.

I’ve also gotten to that point in my life when I feel like…everything’s happening so fast, and yet it’s all too slow…you know what I’m saying? Don’t worry if you’re confused. I confuse myself a lot, too. But, anyway…let’s just say that when you’re in your late 20s and you feel like “nothing is happening in your life”, well…it sucks. And it sucks bad.

Normally, it does not affect me, but I guess there really are moments in life when you feel like you have no idea what you’re waiting for anymore. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s about your career, your relationships, whatever. It’s hard when you get to that point, but then when you look back and think about the alternative…it’s like, you have no idea where you’re going to go, and you certainly don’t want to go back. So, what would you do, right?

And then I suffered two losses in the past two weeks. You know when people say they’re tired because school is tiring, work is tiring, etc? Well, I’m tired because of all these losses and mishaps. And believe me, these things become normal to you when you’re used to them, but there also comes a time when you just get so tired. So, so, so tired.

I’ve been wanting to write this for a while, but the thing about me is whenever I get these overwhelming moments, I really get overwhelmed. And I’ve no idea how to write it all down anymore.

So, maybe this’ll be too negative, but maybe, that’s the only way for me to let it go.

I hate the fact that I lost one of my dogs. And I can’t talk about it because it kills me.

I hate the fact that I lost my tablet (I know it’s shallow, but…)

I hate the fact that no one seems to read what I write. I don’t even want to write fiction anymore. I have all these ideas in my head, and I still get requests from former fanfic readers from time to time, but you know…generally, when I put out all those books last year, I just felt like I never really got the support I needed. And wanted (because seriously, who does not want support?). And it sucks when you see people who don’t work hard as much as you do get all the support—even when their works are just mediocre. It’s hard when you don’t get the chance you know you deserve. It hurts when you actually get that chance but it doesn’t make you feel like anything because no one is around to support you. I don’t even want to read this stupid book (a compilation I’m part of) that arrived in my door because it pains me. And believe me, I know how unfair life is, and I know this sounds like I’m such a brat but I never talk about this so whatever. I hate it when answers take months and years to come. I can wait, but how long is too long? And how much is too much?

I hate it when I feel like work is being monotonous. I hate feeling like I’m not good enough, or I’m not getting enough, or whatever.

I hate not having real friends, maybe because I’ve mostly pushed people away, but what can I do? I really can’t stand people who have disappointed me or hurt me. I seriously have none of that plasticity or whatever you call that thing where you still talk to people you hate or have done you wrong even when you do not like them at all. When you’re cut off, you’re cut off. Done and done. Last week, when I was asking for help, only two people went out of their way to reach out—Jehan and Bea. And if you’re reading this, thank you girls. See, it’s like out of the sea of people in your life, you don’t really have anyone. And that sucks.

But anyway, I chanced upon my Facebook a couple of days ago. I deactivated it so I don’t know why it’s working, and still not using it the way I used to because it seriously gives me the creeps now. And well, I saw messages from some friends, specifically Nina and Alyssa. Sorry for not replying. Sorry for not being strong enough to come back yet. But I appreciate it. I really do.

I hate waiting for that ring on my finger. I don’t know, I don’t even want to deal with people on my wedding day if that’s going to happen, but maybe I just like the idea of “getting married” even if I’m actually in a stable relationship because when you see people around you getting married, it sucks, and yeah I’m still that romantic girl deep down even though I buried her in so much control now. (Uhm, it’s the time of the month so maybe screw this? But maybe no, because it’s real)

I hate friends who say “I’m a busy mom, how are you?” UHM, like I care? I still don’t want kids, nope. And I’m good with my cats and dogs, thank you.

I hate missing my family but when I look back on all the years of abuse—abuse that most of them deny because yeah, my brothers never really felt that—it sucks. It sucks. It sucks. I hate missing them. I hate wanting to check on them or wanting to visit because I know nothing has changed and it will just break my heart if I do. But of course, no matter how screwed up your family is, you’d still miss them, even just a bit. Just imagine not having anyone to come back to. It sucks.

I hate still having these fits of depression and anxiety and the feeling that you want to hurt yourself (sadly, I have relapsed and am doing so at times). I hate going back to that 9 year old girl who hurt herself because no one is around for her.

I hate not having a proper home. I won’t elaborate but yeah.

I hate feeling like I have no proper “roots” because at times, I still think about how it would be like to meet my real dad even though the times I tried to find him, I just got severely disappointed.

I hate not being enough.

I hate the stupid arguments, and not being understood.

Again, I hate not being enough.

Or maybe, I hate being too much.

Maybe, I should talk about these things more, little by little.

Maybe, I’d have clarity then. Maybe, not.

It’s just a cycle.

 

So, I don’t really know what I’m talking about anymore, but this felt somewhat cathartic. Maybe I’ll be fine. Maybe, I won’t. I’d always pull through, anyway.

Right now, I’m just tired.

 

 

 

 

 

Too Much to Ask

When you were old enough to understand the harsh realities of life, you realized that losses were inevitable. You can love someone or something and in an instant, they could be taken away from you.

Then you grow up, grow old, and the losses just keep on happening. They keep on happening that you begin to question what is it that you did wrong. You question why the universe is keen on taking what you love away from you, when you know you have taken care of them with all your heart, and that you did everything you can to keep them safe; protected.

There comes a point when you have already cried too many tears for all your losses that when another one happens, you tend to lose the ability to cry—but you do not lose the ability to hurt. You hurt so bad that you just want the world to stop. You hurt so bad that you try to replay the situation in your head to justify it; try to see how is that that within seconds, you could lose something you love when things seemed normal; fine; going well.

You want the pain to stop but you have no idea how.

You want to keep on hoping that this won’t happen again, but you’re scared now.

 

Maybe, there really comes a time when you don’t want losses to happen anymore—even though that seems impossible.

But is it too much to ask the world to just be sane for you, even for a while? For the heartbreaks to stop? For the hurt not to linger?

Is it too much?

 

 

“Sometimes I think the human heart is just a simple shelf. There is only so much you can pile onto it before something falls off an edge and you are left to pick up the pieces.”
― Jodi Picoult, House Rules

Four

1

For four years I’ve wondered what it would be like to share my life with someone again. There were many mishaps; many misshapen turns. I. I have crashed and burned so many times. I have fallen hard, and realized that skinned knees were better than broken hearts; that love doesn’t come easy; that just because you think you feel something does not mean the other person feels it, too.

I was deadest on spending the rest of my life alone. I was fine with it. I was tired. To be honest, I did not think much of you before—then you came crashing back into my life, and changed it in more ways than one. From Clementine erasing Joel from her mind, Elvis and Anabelle saving each other, to reading that shady, crazy book—we shared the most profound memories; we laughed, had adventures, started something—whatever it was. Because really, it didn’t have a name for a while. But that didn’t matter.

You often told me how much you loved me. You wrote poems and musings that no one ever did for me, and it scared me. It scared me because I knew that if I gave my heart away, I would give all of it.

But isn’t that what love’s supposed to be about? Or so they say.

For years, I thought life was just going to be the way it was—mornings spent alone, watching endless movies and television shows, going to bed late, late at night with no hand to hold.

I was filled with lies, and I consumed them. I lived in them. I became a huge walking lie until one day, we both decided it had to end. It was not easy, but it was our choice.

It was far, far from my fairytale. But it was our story. And I liked it that way.

2

We had fun—and that would be an understatement.

Late nights in the city, the rain on our faces, our bodies drenched but our hearts happy. Days walking in the park, under the trees, under the stars. All those dreams we shared. All the memories we made.

I was so used to being alone, but then I realized there’s warmth that stuffed bears and bunnies wouldn’t give. There’s a certain kind of happiness that comes from laying next to the one you love, even when you just hold hands and listen to your own breaths; the kind that makes you want to stay in bed. The kind that makes you realize what home is.

They say that when love is good, it is magic. And it’s true: days become better, nights no longer feel lonely. You have someone who’s your other half, not because both of you are broken, but because you’re whole enough to share your life with someone else. And that in itself is magical—more than any other magic can bring.

We built our own furry family, we tried to enjoy life with whatever we had.

We were living our life, and we thought that was enough.

3

There comes a time in relationships when you begin to question things. You wonder who started it all; you wonder if it matters; you wonder if this is what it’s supposed to be. It happens. It cannot be helped.

I was used to being alone, so I had to struggle being surrounded by people all the time. At times you think I didn’t try. But I did. But like most of the things in my life, it just wouldn’t fit. But you did, no matter how different we are—and would always be. Some things just would not change.

From all our happy days stemmed days when fights and arguments became prevalent. When tears do not seem enough to convey the pain; when shouts and screams don’t seem enough to end the noise inside.

There are days when I know we’re both confused. Is it possible that you still love each other when there are days that you just want to end it? Or is it just in your head?

They say that love is not always enough. And it’s true.

Love isn’t always enough to cover certain things that hurt. Love is not always enough to let each day pass by.

But then again…do you really wish for the alternative?

4

Four years tomorrow. Four years now.

Sometimes, you do not even feel the years anymore.

Nothing is perfect, of this I am sure.

Sometimes, I would sit and wonder exactly when things have changed, because I know I have. And you have, too. It makes me wonder about that first year, when we were both so positive; when no matter how I’ve seen the harsh realities of life, my idealism was still there.

You often tell me that you miss that person; the person I used to be.

What I don’t tell you is that I miss the part of the person you were, too. What I don’t tell you is that I miss the person I’ve been, too. I don’t know where she went, but I believe she’s still there.

I miss who we’ve been.

Because relationships are one thing—but love is another.

 

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, they say. So take my hand. Let’s not fail.

 

 

Wonder

It was just a normal day; you’re doing whatever the hands of fate have strung your way, and asked you to do.

It was a normal day—and it still is, but you couldn’t get that photo out of your head. That photo that a certain website reminded you of; a photo of years gone by, spent with people you no longer talk to.

You wonder how he’s doing—that old friend who had your back and nursed your wounds years ago, back when you were spiraling out of control. That friend who was there for you when you felt you had no one else—even if you actually had. Well, it didn’t matter, because he was the best of the rest of them. Head on his shoulders, your hand in his—you felt like everything was possible. That if someone could feel safe and secure, it was within his arms, and with his heart.

You remember car rides with him, your hair flowing in the wind; wondering how it would be like to watch fireworks in one of those overlooking spots; wondering how life would be like a year on; wondering—just wondering. And yet, it was enough.

You wonder how it all ended, or if it even really began in the first place. You wonder whether all those words meant something, or if they were just in passing. You remembered holding on to his arms, knowing he’d keep you safe from the firecrackers you were so scared of. You remembered the laughter; you remembered the tears—especially that time when you broke down under flickering lights, and the harsh fall of raindrops; each drop leaving a scar in your heart. You remembered all those times you’d talk about dreams and nightmares; broken hearts and broken promises. It was all so easy. It was all so fine.

You wonder how it stopped—because you wouldn’t be thinking of this now if it went on, and on, and on—like the other things in your life. You wonder who stopped talking to whom first; who didn’t reciprocate the messages. You remember how hurt you were. You remember all the questions you asked.

Years later, you no longer wonder why. Yet, you couldn’t help but wish that he stayed—that whatever you had stayed. Because you’re so used to loss—you’ve had it all your life. But whenever you see old photos of that time, and whenever you think of him—that person who had your back once upon a time, and who was so good to you, you found hope again—you couldn’t help but feel this strange stinging sensation in your heart. You couldn’t help but feel sad. You couldn’t help but wonder.

 

Empty

Every day is a wheel of prevailing emotions; emotions that you couldn’t show to the world; emotions that you’ve learned long enough to hide that already became natural to you.

You work yourself to death and ask yourself why. You begin to wonder about the state of your life. You begin to think that you need change—but you don’t know exactly what you need.

You feel like there are not enough words being said; you no longer feel good about anything.

And then you hear the words you need—but they don’t make you feel like anything.

Maybe, they do, but you cannot hear them clearly.

You could not see them clearly.

Because you’re empty.

6 Years Ago…

You know what this week means? Well, this week is actually 6 years (if I remember correctly, I mean, if it isn’t this week, it’s the next ha-ha) since I graduated from college UGH I AM OLD. No, seriously, though…sometimes, you just get these bursts of memories and you tend to reflect on how much you have changed since then.

I’m not going to lie: back then, I thought I knew everything already. I thought it was going to be easy—or at least, easier than I thought. If you knew me back then, you’d say I actually have it all figured out. My yearbook even says that I’m going to be the next Pia Guanio (I know, I know)! I kind of was excited for what life could bring. I thought I’d easily be okay.

Here’s the thing: I took broadcasting in college, but before that I stopped studying the year after High School ended because (hmm, you probably know by now) of Depression. That was 2005, and come 2006, I thought I was already fine (conventional family; these things should end—just.like.that.), so I went back to school and well, college was pretty good to me. It was my comfort zone. I had friends everywhere. I was even President of our org once, was part of the Honors Society, the student council, was hosting our in-school radio show, organized benefit concerts and car shows—in short, I was acing both my academics and my social life, so I was pretty fine (except for times when my heart was broken! HA!)

But then, on my junior year, I had this internship at a TV Network and it made me feel like, “waiiiiit…this probably isn’t the right thing for me to do”. I remember my friend and I even had a conversation with one of the network’s directors once and she said that we should ask ourselves if it was really what we wanted. But well, I’m kind of the queen of lying to myself then so I thought, the feelings of confusion are going to pass. I wanted to shift at that point, but I thought it was too late, so I continued, and soon, I was already about to graduate.

Before that, though, I remember my friends and I had this conversation about our expectations after college, and one of them said she was scared. She was scared of starting again—of finding her place in the world. Well, I was kind of the mother hen of the group, too, so I said, we’ll all be okay and we’ll find our places in the world.

So, fast forward to what happened after graduation: I can still remember how 2 weeks after grad, I was already being pressured to find work—and it was then that I realized how easy the generations before us had it: how they easily found work—how it was just “easy”, period.

Anyway, I was still one of the first ones in our batch who found work, but well…it just didn’t work for me. I felt like crying in the office each day, wanting to go home when I’m done with my responsibilities for the day.  I felt like I could not fit in, so I resigned, and of course, my parents were disappointed. Who wouldn’t be? To them, I was this High School Salutatorian and College Dean’s Lister WHO COULD NOT MAKE UP HER MIND. And it was wrong. And I understood, but the thing was…I just could not fit in. I just could not be myself. And that was hard.

So, well, I was jobless for months—and my god, I couldn’t even begin to tell you how depressed I was back then; how the words really pierced my soul and made me feel like I was worthless.

I then went from job to job but long story short: I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give my best. I always got sick. I literally felt like killing myself to the point that I became such a liar. I lied about going to work, even when I didn’t. I lied, I lied, I lied—and my life become literally a toxic lie.

And when those things happen, you really have to make tough decisions—and really take control of your life.

All I’m saying is…life after graduation? It isn’t as easy as it seems. Maybe, some would have it easy—and that’s good. But it doesn’t happen for everyone. Getting what you want takes time, and you really do have to have tough skin for it. You have to help yourself. You have to make your own decisions. You have to fall down to the pits so you could rise up again. You have to—as cheesy as this sounds—hold on to your passion. You have to give yourself the chance to dream new dreams—and work for the ones you really believe in. You just have to do something with your life, whatever that means.

Do I like the person I’ve become? Well, to be honest, there are times when I don’t, but mostly, I do. Because I know that I worked hard for what I have now—and I am working hard for what I could still have. I may not be the same girl in those pictures anymore, but I guess, that’s good. You change as you grow. You change as you go.

“I love the woman I’ve become. I fought hard to become her.” –Kaci Diane

Every Version of You

One, you were full of daydreams; nothing you can remember anymore

Two, you opened up your eyes to harsh realities; some you blinded yourself from

Three and four, you found hope

Five, you started to be confused; about life, about the world

Six, you were a big sister

Seven, you were a little lady

Eight, nine, ten, you were meek; you were shy

Eleven, twelve, you were painfully awkward; the world was harsh;

Thirteen, fourteen, you lost one of the people you loved most

Fifteen, you were full of dreams; had your head in the clouds; only going up, up, up

Sixteen, you fell back to earth; had to stop; didn’t know where to go next

Seventeen, you had a breakdown; tried to pick yourself back up

Eighteen, you had the world in your hands

Nineteen, your world came crashing down

Twenty, you were full of grace

Twenty One, you didn’t know where you were headed

Twenty Two, you tried; oh how much you tried

Twenty Three, you were full of lies

Twenty Four, you went away; left that world; built something new

Twenty Five, you were back with your fairy tales; you know they never left; they never will

Twenty Six, you were good; you were alright

Twenty Seven, you’re fine; and then you’re not

 

I still see every version of you;

Every version of me;

There’ll be more

So much more

There’d be hope

Hopefully more

 

On Depression

Well…I really have no sugary words to cover this up with: I am depressed. My depression is taking over my brain right now, making me feel worse than I already do each day. Not the “blah it’s a sad day” kind, but the debilitating, my world feels like it’s falling apart no matter how I try to make myself happy kind.

The reason why I don’t often talk about this is because I get more messed up when I ask advice from people (and I am still not asking for any), and I’m better at dealing with my own mind on my own. Sometimes, though, I just want to chuck it out of the window.

I’ve come to accept that my depression is probably going to be with me forever—because it is a disease. It isn’t something that depressed people have invented to ask for pity or whatever, but it’s just what it is. When you’re depressed, no matter what you have, no matter how “good” your life is, you’re depressed. Medications help, but at the end of the day, you’re depressed—and you have to deal with it on your own.  When you’re depressed, there’s this big dark cloud above your head, and it rains—and it rains, and it rains.

Some people say you have to think “positive”—but when your depression attacks and makes its way to the surface, and when you’ve had so many days of pretending you’re fine, you kind of become like a vessel that’s really close to overflowing—like you’re just going to explode. And you think of so many things all at once. With me, right now, it’s the following…

1. Feeling so utterly tired with work but have no choice but to work because a 9 to 5 job just wouldn’t suit me (I’ve tried so MANY TIMES already. It never works) I do like what I’m doing…sometimes, I just don’t feel like it’s enough, or I’m enough, or that it matters.
2. Wanting to move
3. Publishing things—but not many people believing in you, and the people you wish would believe in you just don’t do as much (I’d probably cry if I elaborate ha-ha)
4. Asking simple things and not being answered properly…or people being too tired of your questions, when it’s your first time to ask them(!)
5. Being disappointed by some people
6. Being disappointed by yourself
7. Starting things, but being confused
8. Feeling like the way you take care of your pets is not enough; why they sometimes get sick; why you had to lose so many before
9. Feeling unheard
10. Feeling like you’re too much—that you care too much, but when you try not to, you still do
11. Missing home—but having no home to come back to
12. Always feeling not good enough
13. Wishing for this and that

Lalala the list goes on. I’m saying this not because I want people to pity me, but because seriously…my head just feels like it’s about to explode and my heart feels so heavy and I don’t know how to talk to people about these things anymore and it’s my blog lol so whatever.

I guess I’m just tired.

I know it’ll pass. It always does.

But right now, at this moment, I’m just…tired.

Life, Lately (04) + Bookish News!

It has seriously been forever since I last posted here but life has been craaaaazy. There are days when I’m just seriously exhausted and have no time for anything else, and when I do have time I just feel like I want to eat and sleep and walk the dog (lol)…but seriously, it’s been a tiring couple of weeks.

Plus…well, I’ve also been going through a depressive phase. For a time, there were certain things I felt I had to stop (such as writing books, tbh) because I felt like it was going nowhere. I kind of felt like I wasn’t good enough. That has been playing in my head for a while and it was sad and I thought, maybe, I should stop BUT, you know…life really works in mysterious ways because just when I felt like giving up, a certain email popped up in my inbox that made me realize that sometimes, you really just have to wait, especially if you have done your part (because what would you wait for if you have not done your part, right?) and what you’re waiting for will come. I also remembered this conversation I had with a friend (Hi, Kaye!), about dreams and not giving up on your passion, because really, what would life be like if you’d give up altogether?

Well, going back to the email… it’s not exactly what I wanted, but it’s close. Imagine being one of the chosen ones (HAHA not like Harry but that would be good, too) among many (I know, cryptic, will divulge when I could but not now…). What I’m saying is, maybe this will finally lead me to what I really, really want. Maybe, it’s a test. You’ll know soon, but for now (for a taste of it), do read THIS.

And to know more about that, you can subscribe to my newsletter at: http://ift.tt/1OYdEcM

Another bookish news: you can order a copy of this compilation some of my colleagues and I made. It’s called Project TIMES: Hearts For Sale, and you could order your paperback copy here: bit.ly/HeartsForSale

Anyway, going back to other things, I’ve been walking a lot recently because #ChewytheDog loves the outside world so much lol. Still a cat lady though!

What I’ve been reading

Haven’t been reading so much, too L Except for certain articles here and there, and I’ve only read only 15 books this year (that’s a lot for some but not for me but my ADD’s really getting worse…) Most recent reads are:

1. Rainbow Rowell – Kindred Spirits
2. Jojo Moyes – After You
3. Jessica Love – In Real Life
4. OJ Simpson – If I did it (THIS MADE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH UGH)

Currently reading Marcia Clark’s Without a Doubt.

What I’ve been watching

1. American Crime Story: The People vs OJ Simpson. This is so good (and I’m obviously obsessed, if you could tell by what I’ve also been reading recently). It kind of inspires me to do more, do something like that (not KILL OMG but create something as artistic, and as good as that). It’s the kind of show that’s worth watching.
2. How to Get Away with Murder! STOP TRYING TO MAKE WES-LAUREL HAPPEN IT’S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. But seriously, still twisted and gooooood
3. OUAT. IT’S BACK!!! AND DARKER!
4. Damien. Just started watching this and it’s super creepy! I like how they’re using old The Omen footages though. And I’m really scared of saints (at least the figures), big ones (Ikr it’s weird but they really freak me out) and this show UGH !!!!
5. Pretty Little Liars. #Spaleb

Also American Idol is really good this season!!!! Grease: LIVE was also amazing! Still watching Supergirl, some Recovery Road, and Tyler: The Hollywood Medium, amongst others lol. Oh, and a lot of Late Late Show with James Corden!

Current Favorite Tunes (aka songs on repeat)

1. Alex and Sierra – Back to You
2. Alex and Sierra – I Love You
3. We the Kings ft Elena Coates – Sad Song
4. Zayn – Pillowtalk (IKR LOL)
5. Kelly Clarkson – Piece by Piece (Idol Version)
6. Fifth Harmony ft Ty Dolla Sign– Work from Home
7. New Radicals – Get What You Give (old one but I’ve been playing it a lot)
8. Charlie Puth ft Selena Gomez – We Don’t Talk Anymore
9. Carly Rae Jepsen – All That
10. Nick Fradiani – Beautiful Life
11. The Corrs – I Do What I Like
12. Seafret – Sinking Ship
13. Nickel Creek – This Side
14. Lana del Rey – Freak
15. Chvrches – Clearest Blue

That’s it for now, I guess…So how’ve you guys been doing?

P.S. Don’t forget to subscribe to http://ift.tt/1OYdEcM. Making this blog more interactive. Let’s do this!

 

Hello #ChewytheDog + Life, Lately (03)

 

Well, apart from the fact that I am still so exhausted, this week brought on a new surprise: Chewy the Dog!

We were actually supposed to adopt another dog the past week, but someone already adopted him, but I guess life really works in mysterious ways because I think Chewy’s a perfect fit for us. He’s just this little nutter (lol) but he’s really nice. I kind of think he’s adapting some of the kittens’ behavior, too, as he plays with them a lot.

Another interesting fact is that we found out he shares a birthday with my boyfriend. How many other times would you be able to get pets who share the same birthday with you, right?

So, yeah, having him around is really fun.

What I’ve been Reading

Let’s see…this week I finished reading:

1. Tim Gunn’s Fashion Bible. I’m a sucker for fashion-related non-fiction books + can’t wrap my head around fiction right now, for some reason.
2.  Don’t Forget the Parsley (Marie Claire Lim Moore). Read this for an upcoming blog tour, and I enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed Don’t Forget the Soap.
3. 150 Movies You Should Die Before You See. Because crappy movies deserve a book, too.

Also been re-reading Fairy Tale Fail, my favorite Mina V. Esguerra book!

What I’ve been Listening To

1. Seafret – Something in the Air
2. Seafret – Atlantis
3. James Young – I’ll be Good
4. Amber Run – I Found
5. Oh Wonder – Without You
6. Oh Wonder – All We Do

Plus a lot of the #HSMPlaylist because #HSM10…but where are you, Troy?!

 

What I’ve Been Watching

Hell’s Kitchen, Masterchef Junior, Younger, Pretty Little Liars (YES I AM ALL ABOARD THE #SPALEB SHIP), Dark Net, KUWTK. Kocktails with Khloe, and for some reason, I’ve been watching a lot of Carpool Karaoke lol and as always, a lot of things I’m forgetting

Oh, also been playing a lot of Neko Atsume so if you wanna talk about that, I’m here

P.S. I’ve this Tumblr Quotes blog, if you want to follow, it’s at TheFaerieQuotes.tumblr.com!

 

Life Lately (02)

Well…this week has been quite something, huh?

Let’s see…it started out nice—with lots of TV (since I don’t often watch TV “on TV”), and then there were three new kittens (who actually turned out to be four!!!!) who were dropped off at our house, and of course, we took them in. I’ve actually forgotten how taxing and draining it is to take care of baby kittens since most cats here are 6 months and up already. I haven’t had much sleep in the past 2 days. I wish they were not taken away from their mama cat just like that :( Will post pics when they’re a bit bigger :)

And then…Alan Rickman left us all. It’s something that really shook me because I’ve been watching the Harry Potter movies all these years, as well as his other movies and appearances. But you know…growing up with Harry Potter, I kind of feel like a part of my life is really gone. It’s just…sad.

Anyway, aside from Harry Potter, my fave Rickman films include:

1. Closet Land
2. Perfume
3. Alice in Wonderland

There are just so many awful things going on the world today that sometimes, you kind of want to question things. Plus I’m in this constant state of exhaustion and anxiety (January, I thought we were gonna be friends? What happened?) Sometimes I feel like I’m just floating through work and don’t really want to talk to people too much and I don’t know…

What I’ve been Reading

Half of January has gone and I’ve read just 4 books, which are:

1. Columbine (4/5)
2. Firsts (3/5)
3. Me Before You (4/5)
4. Oz The Great and the Powerful (2/5)

Columbine’s about the awful 1999 Columbine shootings, and I think it’s one of the most well-written true crime books I have read. Really gripping.

Firsts…well, I liked it at first and it had great premise but there were so many things that were off about it. Things about the gender spectrum, about “firsts”, and the main character’s just too much. But writing-wise, it was written well, I really just have a problem with the plot and the character.

Me Before You is heartbreaking in more ways than one.

And Oz the Great and the Powerful was just dreadful. Well, it was fine but…what was the point?

What I’ve been watching

I didn’t have proper internet connection for 4 days because of a nearby fire that destroyed the wires, but finally it was connected again yesterday, and I was able to catch up with my shows (yay).

Well, I’ve been watching the latest (and last) season of American Idol. Haven’t seen the show in years but I think it has its groove back this year. Great hopefuls + great chemistry from the judges, too.

I’ve also been catching up on:

1. Younger Season 2
2. New Girl Season 5 (is it 5 or 6? Lol but the latest season)
3. The Shannara Chronicles

And of course, PLL, Supergirl, KUWTK…and I’m pretty sure I’m still forgetting something.

So yeah…that’s about it, I guess….

 

Life, Lately… (aka dealing with this and that, and #WriteBreakUpSongsAbout)

So…it’s been a few days since I’ve been here and I wish it was just because I was busy but aside from that…depression and anxiety have been pretty bad, too. The thing with them is that when they attack you bad, they attack you real bad.

And it’s hard. There really were days the past few weeks when I felt like I’ve reached the end of my rope. You have no idea how hard it is to remind myself to keep going; just keep going. Sometimes, life just feels too constricting; like it’s just full of losses and you have no idea how to win. This isn’t about being dramatic; it’s just the truth.

But, anyway, I’ve also been writing and the latest I’ve worked on was my #WriteBreakupSongsAbout (You can still write along! Details HERE) manuscript and though I cannot talk much about it, I could say it’s one of the most challenging things I’ve done simply because…well, this one involved lots of real emotions (my choice! Ha!) and it’s like looking back at a different time in your life (at least, in mine).

It’s just something I have not written about for sooooo long, and this time, it’s like I got to feel all the emotions (haha) just because you know, you’re looking back, seeing another version of you, and putting yourself in your old shoes (whatever the hell that means), and yeah, it’s also kind of therapeutic.

See, I guess what I’ve learned is that sometimes…it’s harder to write about things that are close to you because…you have to work on blurring the lines between fiction and reality, and you have to give it your best.

But here’s another thing: this manuscript is something I’m proud of. It’s something that cheesy as it sounds, really came from the heart. ;)

What I can say is that we had to choose a One Direction song for this project, and what I chose was You and I. You can listen to it below.

I figured it out
I figured it out from black and white
Seconds and hours
Maybe they had to take some time

I know how it goes
I know how it goes for wrong and right
Silence and sound
Did they ever hold each other
Tight like us
Did they ever fight like us

[Harry:]
You & I
We don’t want to be like them
We can make it till the end
Nothing can come between
You & I
Not even the gods above
Could separate the two of us
No nothing can come between
You & I
Oohh You & I

I figured it out
Saw the mistakes of up and down
Meet in the middle
There’s always room for common ground

I see what it’s like
I see what it’s like for day and night
Never together
Cause they see things in a different light
Like us
They never tried like us

[Harry:]
You & I
We don’t want to be like them
We can make it till the end
Nothing can come between
You & I
Not even the gods above
Could separate the two of us

‘Cause You & I

We don’t want to be like them
We can make it till the end
Nothing can come between You & I
Not even the gods above
Could separate the two of us
No nothing can come between
You & I

You & I

Oohh You & I [x2]

We can make it if we try
You & I

Oohh you & I
You & I

Have a good week, everyone!

Favorite Lyrics: Taylor Swift Edition

So…I’ve decided to make a new blog meme featuring my favorite lyrics from songs of certain artists–without actually naming the songs they’re from! Why not? It would be fun! Feel free to do the same!

I’m starting with Taylor Swift. Sure, I don’t always agree with her actions, but she’s still one of my favorites–especially when it comes to songwriting. Her lyrics have depth, and her songs always make you feel…feelings! ha! Anyway, here are my favorite T-Swizzle lyrics…

Familiar with these tunes? What are your favorite Taylor Swift lyrics? Feel free to share!