On Facebook…and the need for “Likes”

So, so, so this the second part of my crazy rant last week (and maybe you can tell from my tone that I’m somehow feeling better now), but there are a few points I left and basically it all leads to this…

I kind of don’t want to be active on Facebook anymore because of the whole “I live for likes” thing. See, our society now is so obsessed with likes—and I guess, I feel guilty about it, too. And it also got to the point where it got so toxic because of the whole brouhaha about the elections and it was too much. Just too much.

Now, back to the “likes” and the NEED for them. Seriously, it’s toxic. And I know because even subconsciously, I fed on that for a while. When you post something, it’s like, let’s see who likes this, etc. Sure, you want to say your opinion, but come on, look at your feed. Check what’s going on. Check what people around you have been saying. It’s like…even simple things could be turned into a big deal simply because people want to state their long opinions every.single.time and it gets so nauseating and you feel compelled to compete, especially when you’re such an overachiever eager beaver (yeah, yeah, yeah me) and then one day, you’d just get to the point where in you’d feel…wait a minute. Why do I care so much? Do I really care this much?

It’s just that…you shouldn’t let yourself be defined by “likes”. And this is what I’m trying to wrap my head around again.

There were also moments in the past when I felt like…HUH. I had a much better post than this person and this person is getting way more likes, etc. I guess we’re all guilty of this, but then you get to realize that society feeds on popularity. It’s a bandwagoning thing. Like, (why am I using like so many times? I sound like a Kardashian lmao) because this person is supposed to be “beautiful”, or “popular”, it automatically means that this person’s posts would be liked right away. And that kind of thought eats at you, especially when you’re going through other things, and you begin to nitpick every single thing you believe is wrong with your life. And it is super unhealthy.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I’m giving up on social media altogether—helloooo, I can’t do that lol. Twitter’s home (and it’s where I met some of the bestest people ever especially Twitter friends circa 2010!!!!), and I still enjoy Instagram but Facebook…ugh. Every time I open it, this surge of anxiety just goes through me. I gave up Tumblr months ago when it also became toxic (although it was my home for years), but it was just too much and it was becoming so mainstream (!!!!) and it just does not work for me anymore the way it used to. Anyway, what I’m saying is that it’s okay to cut some things out of your life. It’s okay not to “compete”. It’s okay to take some time off from Facebook (try it!) and not care so much and just be in a place where you feel okay—where you feel like you can try to find yourself again, and become a better, hopefully stronger version of you. It’s okay to like what you like and not say your opinion just because everyone else is giving theirs. It’s okay to think on your own, and give proper opinions instead of comment on anything and everything just so you’d be “sikat” or so you’d sound so intelligent. But it’s also okay to voice your opinions out. To each his own.

And also…I seriously don’t want to deal with fake people anymore (not all, but there are a couple and it’s just not worth it to give your time and effort for people who don’t care)

I guess I’m just tired of it at the moment but I’d probably get back some other time, but it’s also quite refreshing to be away from it for a while—it’s the closest thing you can get in place of a vacation!

And also…there’s more to life than caring for events that don’t really make you feel good anymore. There is a time to rest, even from your passions—you still have them inside you, after all, and you can always dream new dreams, and you can get back to them when you feel like you’re ready. Not when you’re tired and tired and tired. Work on your own pace, this is what I keep reminding myself now.

And another also…yesterday, I was really devastated to hear about the death of Christina Grimmie. She was just so young—so young, so eager to live, so full of life…she had so much to give. And it’s just sad it was just taken away from her too soon. You just never know what’s going to happen anymore so just live life the best way you could, the way you know how, but don’t hurt or kill others in the process.

Life is so unpredictable these days, so you better chuck the negativity out (I mean, of course, I’d get mad every now and then, and I still have all my issues, but you know…) and just try to find yourself again. I’m on the process.

There are already so many evil people in the world—don’t be one to yourself. Share your story. Help yourself heal.

There’s this song that I often listen to these days—and it’s so beautiful, and it’s called Showing Up by Alex G. Here’s a link, and the lyrics are below…

I used to be so mean to myself

I am my own worst enemy

I used to hide my truth

From you

I can’t remember what it feels like

To come out of hiding

I-I-I-I’m ready

 

Coming out of the shadows like I’m enough

Loving every bit of the real I got

Every inch of my messy is beautiful

Something truly courageous in showing up

Singing

I-I-I-I’m showing up

 

I’ve never measured up

To my rules

My little, careful calculations

They shattered at the sight

Of my roof

That every thought could be loved by

You-ou-ou-ou

I’m not afraid now

I-I-I-I’m…

 

Coming out of the shadows like I’m enough

Loving every bit of the real I got

Every inch of my messy is beautiful

Something truly courageous in showing up

Singing

I-I-I-I’m showing up

 

No more believing I’m gonna need a little more than I got

Done over thinking every reason I gotta sit and watch

[x3]

 

Coming out of the shadows like I’m enough

Loving every bit of the real I got

Every inch of my messy is beautiful

Something truly courageous in showing up

Singing

Oo-oo-oo-oo I’m ready

I-I-I-I’m showing up

That’s all for now. Be back soon with more personal posts! Xx

 

6 Years Ago…

You know what this week means? Well, this week is actually 6 years (if I remember correctly, I mean, if it isn’t this week, it’s the next ha-ha) since I graduated from college UGH I AM OLD. No, seriously, though…sometimes, you just get these bursts of memories and you tend to reflect on how much you have changed since then.

I’m not going to lie: back then, I thought I knew everything already. I thought it was going to be easy—or at least, easier than I thought. If you knew me back then, you’d say I actually have it all figured out. My yearbook even says that I’m going to be the next Pia Guanio (I know, I know)! I kind of was excited for what life could bring. I thought I’d easily be okay.

Here’s the thing: I took broadcasting in college, but before that I stopped studying the year after High School ended because (hmm, you probably know by now) of Depression. That was 2005, and come 2006, I thought I was already fine (conventional family; these things should end—just.like.that.), so I went back to school and well, college was pretty good to me. It was my comfort zone. I had friends everywhere. I was even President of our org once, was part of the Honors Society, the student council, was hosting our in-school radio show, organized benefit concerts and car shows—in short, I was acing both my academics and my social life, so I was pretty fine (except for times when my heart was broken! HA!)

But then, on my junior year, I had this internship at a TV Network and it made me feel like, “waiiiiit…this probably isn’t the right thing for me to do”. I remember my friend and I even had a conversation with one of the network’s directors once and she said that we should ask ourselves if it was really what we wanted. But well, I’m kind of the queen of lying to myself then so I thought, the feelings of confusion are going to pass. I wanted to shift at that point, but I thought it was too late, so I continued, and soon, I was already about to graduate.

Before that, though, I remember my friends and I had this conversation about our expectations after college, and one of them said she was scared. She was scared of starting again—of finding her place in the world. Well, I was kind of the mother hen of the group, too, so I said, we’ll all be okay and we’ll find our places in the world.

So, fast forward to what happened after graduation: I can still remember how 2 weeks after grad, I was already being pressured to find work—and it was then that I realized how easy the generations before us had it: how they easily found work—how it was just “easy”, period.

Anyway, I was still one of the first ones in our batch who found work, but well…it just didn’t work for me. I felt like crying in the office each day, wanting to go home when I’m done with my responsibilities for the day.  I felt like I could not fit in, so I resigned, and of course, my parents were disappointed. Who wouldn’t be? To them, I was this High School Salutatorian and College Dean’s Lister WHO COULD NOT MAKE UP HER MIND. And it was wrong. And I understood, but the thing was…I just could not fit in. I just could not be myself. And that was hard.

So, well, I was jobless for months—and my god, I couldn’t even begin to tell you how depressed I was back then; how the words really pierced my soul and made me feel like I was worthless.

I then went from job to job but long story short: I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give my best. I always got sick. I literally felt like killing myself to the point that I became such a liar. I lied about going to work, even when I didn’t. I lied, I lied, I lied—and my life become literally a toxic lie.

And when those things happen, you really have to make tough decisions—and really take control of your life.

All I’m saying is…life after graduation? It isn’t as easy as it seems. Maybe, some would have it easy—and that’s good. But it doesn’t happen for everyone. Getting what you want takes time, and you really do have to have tough skin for it. You have to help yourself. You have to make your own decisions. You have to fall down to the pits so you could rise up again. You have to—as cheesy as this sounds—hold on to your passion. You have to give yourself the chance to dream new dreams—and work for the ones you really believe in. You just have to do something with your life, whatever that means.

Do I like the person I’ve become? Well, to be honest, there are times when I don’t, but mostly, I do. Because I know that I worked hard for what I have now—and I am working hard for what I could still have. I may not be the same girl in those pictures anymore, but I guess, that’s good. You change as you grow. You change as you go.

“I love the woman I’ve become. I fought hard to become her.” –Kaci Diane

Old Friends

You look at that old album, one that has not been opened in years, one which contents you thought have gotten out of your grasp; out of your memory. In reality, they’re still there, just waiting to be opened up again.

You see photos of that girl—that one girl you’ve been friends with for years. You remembered how you fought over stickers and papers; how you would braid each other’s hair; how you would stay at each other’s homes just talking for hours while dissecting what’s on television; how you would talk about those silly boys who made you smile, and made you confused, at the same time.

You smile as you leaf through the pages, the remnants of your old life unfolding right before your eyes. You remember that girl, and remembered how you promised to stick for each other through anything; to be the kind of friends whose kids would also be friends; to just be with each other forever.

And then you remembered that little girl is not in your life anymore—has not been for years.

You remembered the accusations, the ugly words said. It didn’t matter whether it came from you, or from her—what only matters is that they’ve been said.

You don’t remember the exact time you wished you would not be around her anymore; how the thought of her coming over started to irritate you; how you stopped telling her everything; how the jokes became too much, too cruel; how you no longer got each other’s back; how you no longer fit in each others’ lives.

You’ve both lived different lives since then, and you can’t help but wonder: will these new versions of yourselves still like each other? Or is that all your friendship is going to be?

You wonder, and then you stop.

Because then, you realize that this life is what your life is supposed to be; that this life, without her, is better than with her in it.

And it’s okay.

We used to be friends

I can easily associate books with old friends.

I don't know why I'm writing this. It's just that...While I was reading "A Treacherous Love" and saw the ad for "It Happened to Nancy" at the back, I remembered how I lent that book to a friend. It was way back then. Way back in college, when I was having the time of my life.

"It happened to Nancy" often reminds me of her. My college friend. I can't just simply call her "my friend" because it would be untrue. We no longer talk. I no longer know her.

But the book, though no longer with me, will always remind me of her. Sometimes, I miss her. I miss how she used to tell me everything. How she would cry over the simplest things--even cry for Nancy. How she had been so frank. How we promised to be good friends and how we promised that the friendship wouldn't end.

Sometimes, I wonder how she is and who she is now. I only know her from what she posts online. That's not enough. It's never enough.

And then there's "A Walk to Remember". More than anything, it'll always remind me of my old bestfriend. The one I've known since I was eight. The one who spend so many weekends at our house. The one i grew up with, then seemingly kicked out of my life two years back. I had my reasons, and those still stand firm.

We talk sometimes. Once in a while, once in a blue moon. The anger forgiven, the pain seemingly not forgotten.

I never knew it would end up this way. That we'd grow apart. That we'd fall apart. I did, but not this way.

But that's how life goes.

I don't often write about the friends I lost. I always believed that friendships fail; nothing really lasts forever.

But sometimes...sometimes, my heart just rises up to the surface. Sometimes, i miss the old days. Sometimes, I miss them.

We WERE friends, after all.