Friday, July 3, 2015

When Everything's in Real Time...

Have you ever felt like you're just floating through the days, going through the motions and such?

I've been wanting to write about this for a while, but I just couldn't seem to put my thoughts down. You know, I'm an avid fan of the internet. If you know me, you'd know I'm pretty much everywhere online--tweeting, Instagramming, pouring out my angst and such. Heck, my work is even based online, so I pretty much couldn't live without the internet.

But, sometimes...I just feel like, I'm just in this vortex of nothingness; that sometimes, I don't even know how to shut my mind down. Sometimes, I want to rest but when the time for rest comes, I just...can't. 

I don't know. I guess, I just feel like, because everything's in "real time" these days, you always have to keep up with it. You always have to be updated, to be on time, to be "there"--in any sense of the word.

Can you even remember the days when you watched TV shows the same time as everyone else did? When, you wouldn't have to be wary of spoilers (although, to be fair, I have no problem with spoilers)? When you really could just stop thinking too much? When you didn't have to deal with ongoing notifications, and such?

There are times when I miss those days.

For a month or so this year, I really didn't have a phone, and although I did enjoy time reading "physical books" and all, I kind of really missed having a phone, going on IG, reading Ebooks, etc. I feel like somehow, the whole "real time" thing has dumbed me down a bit, and probably made me lose a lot of focus.

You see, I used to be that person who could concentrate reading a book and be happy with it without checking social media. I could read a book for hours and hours on end, but right now, (even if I still read a LOT) after a couple of pages or so, I feel antsy, like I have to check my email, check what's going on, ladida, ladida.

Maybe, it's my fault, too.

I always feel like, I have to be first. I have to know something first. I have to be this, be that. Again, I'm still my own biggest critic; I'm still the person who pushes myself too much, and I just have no idea how to stop.

And that's the thing: I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to rest without feeling guilty. I don't know how to just take a break, without any complications.

Sometimes, I miss the old me. But I've gotten so far away from that person that I don't know who that is anymore. 

And really, there's nothing to come back to anymore. 

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