Lost

And, I guess the title resonates to me right now since I forgot to add Katy Perry's "Lost" to my previous post...And no, I'd rather not edit.

"Have you ever been so lost? Know the way and still so lost..."

I have, Katy. I am. Who knew that life was like this? That you could not only get lost in the streets, but also in...life. I don't know how to put that into words.

"Can't find the way coz the way is gone, and if I pray am I just sending words into outerspace?"

No, I do not mean to be judging of anyone's religion. I may not be religious, but I am faithful, as I often say. My relationship with God is a relationship, and not just the whole "I go to church so I'm good" thing. Its just that sometimes, it's so hard to grasp why some people get everything they want JUST.LIKE.THAT.

But oh well. I should stop asking.

Inner Demons, and Songs that Dig A Hole in Your Heart

I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

When the curtain's call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl
So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made
Imagine Dragons "Demons"

     This has been a hell of a week. A week that never should have been. A week that's full of lows. There were highs, but mostly lows. A week of remembering. A week I'd rather forget. But weeks like this stay with me for long, and it's likely that I will not forget.
     Loneliness is sad. It's an excruciating battle. Adjusting is hard. It's always hard for me to adjust. Heck, it took me three years to trust some of my college friends. It always takes me a while to open my heart to people. To live in the now. To tell myself that it's fine.
     This week I just feel soooooo tiiiiiiired. Of working on stuff, of not getting any answers, of...life.
     Moving away helped, yes. But then again, sometimes, when you think about it, the underlying problems are still there. Your demons are just inside of you, inching their way out when you do not want them to. Sometimes, the hatred is far too big and it is so hard to fight. You want to be by yourself, but you never want to be alone. You fight, and fight, and fight, and it gets so tiring you just want to hide someplace safe. It's a battle within yourself. 

    I do not know what to say to let all these feelings out. I don't know anything right now.
    Anyway, tonight my playlist has been crazy and it spit out songs that just speak to me...And made me even more emotional. 
Here are the songs you should listen to (or not) if you're feeling low and low:
1. Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek
"Hide and Seek, Trains and Sewing Machines..." (And yes, it always, always reminds me of The OC, so yeah, double the tears)
2. Orelia Has Orchestra - Suggestions
"Well it just takes  a second for my world to come crumbling down, oh, I'm sure in the distance, you can hear that awful sound..."
3. Room For Two - Roots Before Branches
"I know I'm meant for something else, but first I gotta find myself, but I don't know how..."
4. Billy Joel-Vienna 
"Though you can see when you're wrong you know you can't always see when you're right, you're right..." (And this song always breaks my heart)
5. Rachael Yamagata-Reason Why
"And you can tell the world what they want to hear but I've got nothing left to lose my dear..."

And, ugh, as I am writing this, Hide and Seek is playing. again. Why thank you, playlist.

And as for the blog, and why I started another one, like I can handle more accounts, I just...felt like it. Maybe I have to do things just for the heck of it sometimes.
It's Saturday and I'm wide awake. Sleepy and tired. Let's hope I do get some shut-eye.