Empty

Every day is a wheel of prevailing emotions; emotions that you couldn’t show to the world; emotions that you’ve learned long enough to hide that already became natural to you.

You work yourself to death and ask yourself why. You begin to wonder about the state of your life. You begin to think that you need change—but you don’t know exactly what you need.

You feel like there are not enough words being said; you no longer feel good about anything.

And then you hear the words you need—but they don’t make you feel like anything.

Maybe, they do, but you cannot hear them clearly.

You could not see them clearly.

Because you’re empty.

Doors

When she opened the door, she wished.

She wished for long, cold nights

For a healthy heart

She wished for the sweet smell of flowers

The drizzle of the rain

She wished for a clean mind

A clean slate

She wished for contentment

Without losing the will to dream

She wished for a good life

And the strength to deal with the bad

When she opened the door, she found

She found a reason to live

With her hopes and wishes came strength

And it was enough

Enough to make her stay

 

6 Years Ago…

You know what this week means? Well, this week is actually 6 years (if I remember correctly, I mean, if it isn’t this week, it’s the next ha-ha) since I graduated from college UGH I AM OLD. No, seriously, though…sometimes, you just get these bursts of memories and you tend to reflect on how much you have changed since then.

I’m not going to lie: back then, I thought I knew everything already. I thought it was going to be easy—or at least, easier than I thought. If you knew me back then, you’d say I actually have it all figured out. My yearbook even says that I’m going to be the next Pia Guanio (I know, I know)! I kind of was excited for what life could bring. I thought I’d easily be okay.

Here’s the thing: I took broadcasting in college, but before that I stopped studying the year after High School ended because (hmm, you probably know by now) of Depression. That was 2005, and come 2006, I thought I was already fine (conventional family; these things should end—just.like.that.), so I went back to school and well, college was pretty good to me. It was my comfort zone. I had friends everywhere. I was even President of our org once, was part of the Honors Society, the student council, was hosting our in-school radio show, organized benefit concerts and car shows—in short, I was acing both my academics and my social life, so I was pretty fine (except for times when my heart was broken! HA!)

But then, on my junior year, I had this internship at a TV Network and it made me feel like, “waiiiiit…this probably isn’t the right thing for me to do”. I remember my friend and I even had a conversation with one of the network’s directors once and she said that we should ask ourselves if it was really what we wanted. But well, I’m kind of the queen of lying to myself then so I thought, the feelings of confusion are going to pass. I wanted to shift at that point, but I thought it was too late, so I continued, and soon, I was already about to graduate.

Before that, though, I remember my friends and I had this conversation about our expectations after college, and one of them said she was scared. She was scared of starting again—of finding her place in the world. Well, I was kind of the mother hen of the group, too, so I said, we’ll all be okay and we’ll find our places in the world.

So, fast forward to what happened after graduation: I can still remember how 2 weeks after grad, I was already being pressured to find work—and it was then that I realized how easy the generations before us had it: how they easily found work—how it was just “easy”, period.

Anyway, I was still one of the first ones in our batch who found work, but well…it just didn’t work for me. I felt like crying in the office each day, wanting to go home when I’m done with my responsibilities for the day.  I felt like I could not fit in, so I resigned, and of course, my parents were disappointed. Who wouldn’t be? To them, I was this High School Salutatorian and College Dean’s Lister WHO COULD NOT MAKE UP HER MIND. And it was wrong. And I understood, but the thing was…I just could not fit in. I just could not be myself. And that was hard.

So, well, I was jobless for months—and my god, I couldn’t even begin to tell you how depressed I was back then; how the words really pierced my soul and made me feel like I was worthless.

I then went from job to job but long story short: I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give my best. I always got sick. I literally felt like killing myself to the point that I became such a liar. I lied about going to work, even when I didn’t. I lied, I lied, I lied—and my life become literally a toxic lie.

And when those things happen, you really have to make tough decisions—and really take control of your life.

All I’m saying is…life after graduation? It isn’t as easy as it seems. Maybe, some would have it easy—and that’s good. But it doesn’t happen for everyone. Getting what you want takes time, and you really do have to have tough skin for it. You have to help yourself. You have to make your own decisions. You have to fall down to the pits so you could rise up again. You have to—as cheesy as this sounds—hold on to your passion. You have to give yourself the chance to dream new dreams—and work for the ones you really believe in. You just have to do something with your life, whatever that means.

Do I like the person I’ve become? Well, to be honest, there are times when I don’t, but mostly, I do. Because I know that I worked hard for what I have now—and I am working hard for what I could still have. I may not be the same girl in those pictures anymore, but I guess, that’s good. You change as you grow. You change as you go.

“I love the woman I’ve become. I fought hard to become her.” –Kaci Diane

Missing Looklet + Bookish News

You know Facebook’s On This Day feature? Yeah, I’m such a sucker for that, and this week, it spewed out a lot of photos from my Looklet album and I just experienced such a wave of nostalgia (UGH), and I just MISS LOOKLET SO MUCH. Are you familiar with the site? Not the one they have NOW but how it was YEEEEARS AGO where you could style models and join contests and what-nots. I know there are a couple of sites that offer the same things now but none of them are as good as Looklet😦

Anyway…I just thought of sharing some of my favorite looks that I have styled on the site…

Ah, I remember this one vividly! haha I was so obsessed with Gossip Girl (still am, mind you) and at that time, I was also reading the books, and there was this passage about Serena loving the animals at the zoo…and I think this look was inspired by that episode where she was late for the Mixer announcement.

 

Do you realize who my inspiration is for those three images above? No? Well…

Blair Waldorf, of course!

You know what the funny thing is, though? Yesterday, I unearthed some old files and found old manuscripts of this story of mine called Concrete Jungle, which is pretty much inspired by Gossip Girl lol. Anyway, I decided to start posting chapters on Wattpad, so if you want to read, please do so–and leave me comments, too! xx

Every Version of You

One, you were full of daydreams; nothing you can remember anymore

Two, you opened up your eyes to harsh realities; some you blinded yourself from

Three and four, you found hope

Five, you started to be confused; about life, about the world

Six, you were a big sister

Seven, you were a little lady

Eight, nine, ten, you were meek; you were shy

Eleven, twelve, you were painfully awkward; the world was harsh;

Thirteen, fourteen, you lost one of the people you loved most

Fifteen, you were full of dreams; had your head in the clouds; only going up, up, up

Sixteen, you fell back to earth; had to stop; didn’t know where to go next

Seventeen, you had a breakdown; tried to pick yourself back up

Eighteen, you had the world in your hands

Nineteen, your world came crashing down

Twenty, you were full of grace

Twenty One, you didn’t know where you were headed

Twenty Two, you tried; oh how much you tried

Twenty Three, you were full of lies

Twenty Four, you went away; left that world; built something new

Twenty Five, you were back with your fairy tales; you know they never left; they never will

Twenty Six, you were good; you were alright

Twenty Seven, you’re fine; and then you’re not

 

I still see every version of you;

Every version of me;

There’ll be more

So much more

There’d be hope

Hopefully more

 

On Depression

Well…I really have no sugary words to cover this up with: I am depressed. My depression is taking over my brain right now, making me feel worse than I already do each day. Not the “blah it’s a sad day” kind, but the debilitating, my world feels like it’s falling apart no matter how I try to make myself happy kind.

The reason why I don’t often talk about this is because I get more messed up when I ask advice from people (and I am still not asking for any), and I’m better at dealing with my own mind on my own. Sometimes, though, I just want to chuck it out of the window.

I’ve come to accept that my depression is probably going to be with me forever—because it is a disease. It isn’t something that depressed people have invented to ask for pity or whatever, but it’s just what it is. When you’re depressed, no matter what you have, no matter how “good” your life is, you’re depressed. Medications help, but at the end of the day, you’re depressed—and you have to deal with it on your own.  When you’re depressed, there’s this big dark cloud above your head, and it rains—and it rains, and it rains.

Some people say you have to think “positive”—but when your depression attacks and makes its way to the surface, and when you’ve had so many days of pretending you’re fine, you kind of become like a vessel that’s really close to overflowing—like you’re just going to explode. And you think of so many things all at once. With me, right now, it’s the following…

1. Feeling so utterly tired with work but have no choice but to work because a 9 to 5 job just wouldn’t suit me (I’ve tried so MANY TIMES already. It never works) I do like what I’m doing…sometimes, I just don’t feel like it’s enough, or I’m enough, or that it matters.
2. Wanting to move
3. Publishing things—but not many people believing in you, and the people you wish would believe in you just don’t do as much (I’d probably cry if I elaborate ha-ha)
4. Asking simple things and not being answered properly…or people being too tired of your questions, when it’s your first time to ask them(!)
5. Being disappointed by some people
6. Being disappointed by yourself
7. Starting things, but being confused
8. Feeling like the way you take care of your pets is not enough; why they sometimes get sick; why you had to lose so many before
9. Feeling unheard
10. Feeling like you’re too much—that you care too much, but when you try not to, you still do
11. Missing home—but having no home to come back to
12. Always feeling not good enough
13. Wishing for this and that

Lalala the list goes on. I’m saying this not because I want people to pity me, but because seriously…my head just feels like it’s about to explode and my heart feels so heavy and I don’t know how to talk to people about these things anymore and it’s my blog lol so whatever.

I guess I’m just tired.

I know it’ll pass. It always does.

But right now, at this moment, I’m just…tired.

Life, Lately (04) + Bookish News!

It has seriously been forever since I last posted here but life has been craaaaazy. There are days when I’m just seriously exhausted and have no time for anything else, and when I do have time I just feel like I want to eat and sleep and walk the dog (lol)…but seriously, it’s been a tiring couple of weeks.

Plus…well, I’ve also been going through a depressive phase. For a time, there were certain things I felt I had to stop (such as writing books, tbh) because I felt like it was going nowhere. I kind of felt like I wasn’t good enough. That has been playing in my head for a while and it was sad and I thought, maybe, I should stop BUT, you know…life really works in mysterious ways because just when I felt like giving up, a certain email popped up in my inbox that made me realize that sometimes, you really just have to wait, especially if you have done your part (because what would you wait for if you have not done your part, right?) and what you’re waiting for will come. I also remembered this conversation I had with a friend (Hi, Kaye!), about dreams and not giving up on your passion, because really, what would life be like if you’d give up altogether?

Well, going back to the email… it’s not exactly what I wanted, but it’s close. Imagine being one of the chosen ones (HAHA not like Harry but that would be good, too) among many (I know, cryptic, will divulge when I could but not now…). What I’m saying is, maybe this will finally lead me to what I really, really want. Maybe, it’s a test. You’ll know soon, but for now (for a taste of it), do read THIS.

And to know more about that, you can subscribe to my newsletter at: http://ift.tt/1OYdEcM

Another bookish news: you can order a copy of this compilation some of my colleagues and I made. It’s called Project TIMES: Hearts For Sale, and you could order your paperback copy here: bit.ly/HeartsForSale

Anyway, going back to other things, I’ve been walking a lot recently because #ChewytheDog loves the outside world so much lol. Still a cat lady though!

What I’ve been reading

Haven’t been reading so much, too L Except for certain articles here and there, and I’ve only read only 15 books this year (that’s a lot for some but not for me but my ADD’s really getting worse…) Most recent reads are:

1. Rainbow Rowell – Kindred Spirits
2. Jojo Moyes – After You
3. Jessica Love – In Real Life
4. OJ Simpson – If I did it (THIS MADE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH UGH)

Currently reading Marcia Clark’s Without a Doubt.

What I’ve been watching

1. American Crime Story: The People vs OJ Simpson. This is so good (and I’m obviously obsessed, if you could tell by what I’ve also been reading recently). It kind of inspires me to do more, do something like that (not KILL OMG but create something as artistic, and as good as that). It’s the kind of show that’s worth watching.
2. How to Get Away with Murder! STOP TRYING TO MAKE WES-LAUREL HAPPEN IT’S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. But seriously, still twisted and gooooood
3. OUAT. IT’S BACK!!! AND DARKER!
4. Damien. Just started watching this and it’s super creepy! I like how they’re using old The Omen footages though. And I’m really scared of saints (at least the figures), big ones (Ikr it’s weird but they really freak me out) and this show UGH !!!!
5. Pretty Little Liars. #Spaleb

Also American Idol is really good this season!!!! Grease: LIVE was also amazing! Still watching Supergirl, some Recovery Road, and Tyler: The Hollywood Medium, amongst others lol. Oh, and a lot of Late Late Show with James Corden!

Current Favorite Tunes (aka songs on repeat)

1. Alex and Sierra – Back to You
2. Alex and Sierra – I Love You
3. We the Kings ft Elena Coates – Sad Song
4. Zayn – Pillowtalk (IKR LOL)
5. Kelly Clarkson – Piece by Piece (Idol Version)
6. Fifth Harmony ft Ty Dolla Sign– Work from Home
7. New Radicals – Get What You Give (old one but I’ve been playing it a lot)
8. Charlie Puth ft Selena Gomez – We Don’t Talk Anymore
9. Carly Rae Jepsen – All That
10. Nick Fradiani – Beautiful Life
11. The Corrs – I Do What I Like
12. Seafret – Sinking Ship
13. Nickel Creek – This Side
14. Lana del Rey – Freak
15. Chvrches – Clearest Blue

That’s it for now, I guess…So how’ve you guys been doing?

P.S. Don’t forget to subscribe to http://ift.tt/1OYdEcM. Making this blog more interactive. Let’s do this!